Preparations

5 years ago tonight I was sitting in a hospital bed 

at 35 weeks 6 days pregnant with our firstborn.

we thought we'd have several days left.

{not knowing overnight his heart rate would begin to decelerate to scary levels}

I was prepared for a several day induction process.

Matt was even going home to get a few things, 

not knowing he'd be called in a panic to come back to the hospital

right.this.instant.

tonight?

we have different kind of preparations happening.

before he went to bed,

my sweet last-day-of-being-four-year-old told me

Mom. Be sure to put the decorations up while I'm sleeping.

of course, buddy. of course. 

how could I ever forget?

you were my first born.

with you I learned how to nurse and swaddle and swing 

and cuddle and love.

with you I learned that in a mother's heart, their babies will always be just that-

babies.  

in my heart, Grant Owen, 

you will forever be that 7 pound 1 ounce bundle 

that they put next to me in the operating room.

you will forever be that baby that liked to swing at the fastest rate possible.

you will forever be that toddler that zoomed tractors and combines every.single.day.

{you will forever be my baby boy.}

tomorrow you will run around with your friends, 

play Transformers and dart guns, 

and blow out a big sparkly green number 5 candle.

and as that candle blows out, my heart will ache a little bit more.

ache for the baby you were.

ache for the sweet, sweet boy you're becoming.

Grant Owen,

we prayed for you for many years.

the Lord truly Granted our request.

you are very, very loved.