When the Fear and Doubt Creep in

after I posted something on instagram (find me there @simplybeautiful100)
 -something about how we're dealing with a lot of medical issues at the moment, 
but I trust His ultimate purpose -

I had someone ask this:

I mean no offense by this at all, but how do you find it in your heart to trust so completely and with out doubt or fear? It's beautiful and inspiring, 
I just wish my heart would be as open and at peace as yours is..
And I want to say that Instagram and Facebook and even this blog are my highlight reels.
I post what I want to post, so you read what I want  you to read.  Not that what I post isn't true, but usually social media is the "ups" - not the massive amounts of laundry that I never do or the 4-year-old screaming on the floor or the amount of homeschool prep left or house to be cleaned.
{without doubt or fear?}
i could laugh. or cry.
if you only knew.
6 years ago
I laid on the white bed, the hospital gown covering me.
I tap-tap-tapped a text out on my old-style-flip-non-smart phone,
trying to calm my emotions and pass the time.
a friend called,
a dear, sweet, old friend.
I'm just so, so sorry, Anna.
she ended the conversation.
i'm so, so sorry,
tears coming for her and me,
we hung up.
they came to wheel me to the OR.
as we passed through the labor & delivery floor,
it was some special form of emotional torture to hear babies crying.
as I was headed for a d & c, a week after no heartbeat appeared on the ultrasound screen.

the physical pain of the procedure passed quickly, but the emotional pain lingered.
i hugged baby Grant, his toddler self patting my tears.
this third miscarriage was the hardest. we knew how fabulous children were and wanted more 
- so many more.

and I prayed. and prayed. and prayed.

and heard nothing.

I scoured my Bible for some sort of encouragement.

and heard nothing.

emotional drained,
i wondered where God was.

I LONGED to be one of those Christians filled with verses and belief and steadfastness.
i just wasn't.
 I doubted. 
I doubted my faith.
am I believing all the wrong thing?
is this actually going to help me?
is God actually listening?
 He doesn't care.

weeks passed.

the darkness of spiritual silence was closing in, threatening to suffocate my long-time faith.

God, where are you?

my heart cried out over and over.

that summer, 
I ran.
I ran harder and longer and faster than I've ever run before.
the pounding of the pavement became my therapy,
the music in my earbuds the song of my soul.
And after a few months of running hard and long -
besides being in the best shape of my life -
my spiritual life began to revive.
i realized that I was giving into my feelings.
feelings that God was silent, that God wasn't at work, that God had left me alone.
and though those feelings were legitimate, 
I chose to believe them rather than believe the truth of the Bible.

One of the hardest and darkest times of my life,
losing a baby I named Josie Hope,
came a few years before I would walk through another very difficult season of medical diagnosis.
and those lessons I learned after the loss of Josie? 
i now had an opportunity to enact them.

and during the whole MS thing,
I chose to believe God when He says
{i am near the brokenhearted}
{be strong and courageous, for I am with you}
{Cast all your cares upon me, for I care for you}

 and now, in this season of one-thing-after-another -
even if some of it is small and not really earth-shattering, it's still 

believe me,
i cry my overwhelmed tears.
i send friends texts, saying it's too much.
my heart cries out in the darkness of night,
i pray with all my heart as I lay next to a feverish baby,
and ultimately, I get myself together and choose to believe words like
i have loved you with an everlasting love.
i know the plans i have for you.
you will seek me and you will find me, when you seek me with all your heart.
call upon me and i will answer you.

so, that doubt and fear?
every day I wonder what the Lord is doing with our family.
so many medical issues in the past 4 months,
on top of trying to fly around the world to bring this beautiful boy,
{a boy we have held and loved and played soccer and taken swimming},
of course I fear for the future.
if the past 4 months have been this hard what in the world will the next four bring?  What's really going on with Gracie? What's going on with my heart? will we all get better? Will we be able to take a vacation? I need the beach. ;-) Lord, get us better.  What will school look like next year?
but I stop myself.
be anxious for nothing. in everything, give thanks, and pray, 
and the peace of God will guard your hearts in Christ Jesus.

so, how do I trust so completely?
i don't really feel like I do, 
but I try.  when the worry and the doubt creep in,
i stop looking at my circumstances,
and start looking at my Savior.

for He is Bigger.  

He is Always bigger.
even when I don't feel like it.

{my ways are not your ways, declares the Lord, and neither my thoughts are your thoughts}