Four Years Ago, Today

I'm thankful for multiple sclerosis.

those words made me pause, mid Windex-wiping the patio doors.

my heart skipped a beat.

really? that thought had surprised myself.

grateful for multiple sclerosis?

And yet, yes.

an oh-so-grateful,

grateful for multiple sclerosis.


we crossed the line of demarcation in our lives four years ago today.

my life is forever marked as 

from four years ago?
the memories are vivid:
the MRI machine seemingly cold, sterile;
 taunting me with the possibilities.
hearing the words:{indicative of multiple sclerosis}
from my doctor's mouth.
my immediate shock,
the whirlwind of neurological testing,
the panic-ridden months that would ensue. 

the friends that would call, write, text. mail coffee gift cards, drop off food. send flowers.
that would talk to me late into the night, as I was awaiting test results.

the memories are vivid:
awakening in the night,
instantly alert.
 my first thought was always 
{it wasn't a dream. it wasn't just a dream}
and then the anxiety would follow,
over and over,
the same instant-awake-panic.

it wasn't just a dream.

the other memories are vivid as well:

very, very early mornings with my hard-cover, vintage-floral Bible open before me,
the mug of coffee steaming as I poured over the pages,
 searching for answers...searching for help, searching for hope.

the memories are vivid:
those gilded-pages coming to life before my eyes,
bringing spiritual life in my heart,
calming my fears,
giving me so much hope and so much strength and so much faith
in a God, a Redeemer, a Savior,
so much bigger than any of my fears.


four years later?

I stand in awe at the Sovereign Hand of God in my life.

humbled that He would allow me to walk a road such as MS,

compelled to want to walk that road well.

I am thankful for multiple sclerosis.
it opened my eyes to see 
the bigness, the greatness, the sovereignty, the providence, the faithfulness, the compassion
of our God,
in a way that I never would have seen without a degenerative neurological diagnosis.

I am thankful for multiple sclerosis.

it allows me to fear less for the future,
knowing the One who holds it.

I am thankful for multiple sclerosis,
for the Lord used it in my life to draw me to Himself.

and that is always a gift.
don't get me wrong.
there are days that I wish my fingers would work completely,
or other symptoms would go away forever.
but the symptoms always remind me of the God I serve,
that His grace is always sufficient, 
and that nothing has gotten to my life without first going through the filter of God's Sovereignty.
and that gives so much comfort, and so much confidence.
multiple sclerosis was the road the Lord thought would be the BEST option for my life.
how can I argue with that?
the Lord has prepared good works in advance for me to do.
may I do them well,
especially in walking the road of MS.
To God be the Glory,
great things He hath done.
great things, even in neurological diseases.
great things He hath done,
...they loved not their lives, even unto death...
revelation 12:11