Faith and Multiple Sclerosis

 what i'm drinking tonight.

wow, y'all.

{we lived in Dallas for 3 years - 

I can still use that word, right?}.

even though I love to write,

i am struggling to find the adequate words tonight.

i have been humbled and just really touched by your love for me.

i've gotten so, so, so many sweet, touching, supportive emails, 

facebook messages,

comments,

over the past several days.

 there are just not words to express it adequately,

but I'll say it:

thank-you.

it's awesome to see the body of Christ at work -

this is what this life is all about, anyway, right?

bearing each other's burdens, 

sharpening each other,

lifting each other up to the throne of grace -

encouraging each other to walk in faith.

Thank-you for sharing the beginning of this 

{possible} multiple sclerosis journey with me.

thank-you for taking time to write me,

{which, if I haven't replied yet, i will.

kinda busy hosting my sweet Bible study girls for dinner,

and, ya know, playing with two little kids who are, well, time-consuming.}

but, truly, thank-you for praying.

We believe our God is the Great Physician,

and that the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

so, whatever lies before me,

multiple sclerosis or not,

something worse or not,

we will choose to say

Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

it's a bit therapeutic for me to write out how i'm feeling and what's going on in my life,

and if, somehow, in some way, part of my journey can encourage 

you to run to the cross, to Cling to the cross for your own life,

then i will keep writing. 

hebrews 11:8 says

...by faith, Abraham, 

when called to go to a place, 

obeyed and went, 

even though he did not know where he was going...

The Lord may be calling me to go on a health journey 

that I will not know where it leads.

thank-you for joining me for the journey, 

whatever it may be.

may I have faith like Abraham.

May *you* have faith like Abraham

----

...through faith [they} were made strong out of weakness...

Hebrews 11:34

Faith and Multiple Sclerosis

continued from part 1

--------------

 

Dazed, we left the exam room,
made it through scheduling an urgent neurology appointment and walked to the vehicle. 

i cannot have multiple sclerosis. i have 2 little kids.
i cannot have MS. I cannot have MS.
 

we stared at each other in the truck.

i barely slept that night, waking earlier than my usual hour.
i sat down with my favorite mug of strong coffee filled with {more-than-a-dash of} half and half.
I started reading and reading and reading about MS.
I knew no one with it, I understood nothing about the disease.
 
and then,
I opened my vintage-floral, hard-cover, well-worn, much-loved,  and so-needed ESV Bible.
 
I searched for truth. for help.
 
{I searched for hope}.
 
---

 
I recently read this quote about preaching
{what my beloved husband does for a living}:

Preaching is something dangerously public that emerges from something intensely private.

I kinda feel that way about blogging, too.
I know sometimes I just write about the kids or food or every day fun stuff,
but often what I write about comes from a place deep inside me.
a place that stems from my early mornings with my coffee and my Bible.
my pen and a journal.
 
 most of what I write about our health situations
 {including this latest MS journey}
 stems from a place deep inside my heart.
 
so, thank-you for listening, for reading, for loving.
i am often boggled that people would ever even read what i write -
it never seems overly interesting to me -
but, thanks.
 
 
here's the rest of the story.
 
 --

i've seen 2 different neurologists.
I've had a lot of testing done.
lots.
 
we've ruled out basically everything else my symptoms could possibly be -
from the simple stuff like vitamin deficiencies to the serious stuff like strokes.
 
what we do know is that it's not anything else.

at my last neurology appointment -
where, as we were walking into the building my entire left arm and leg went instantly weak
{kinda ironic?}
the neurologist, an MS specialist,
said that it does seem like MS.
the symptoms are presenting like MS symptoms.
my very first MRI was indicative of MS.

in her words,
Multiple Sclerosis is a real possibility.
there are likely no other possibilities.

my c-spine {neck} MRI came back clear.
 this does NOT mean that it's not MS
{as I've heard some people have thought}.

it DOES mean that if it indeed IS MS,
the disease is not advanced.
which, is good.
 
in a week we'll {hopefully} have some more solid answers.

as for me?
i'm doing okay.
a month ago i was on the verge of panic.
sheer and utter panic.

but now?
i'm okay. really.
almost weirdly okay.
i don't know if it's just the fact that it's been awhile since my last appointment,
or if the peace that passes all understanding is guarding my heart and mind.
probably both.

because, you know what?
this is what I wrote in an email to my sweet husband,
who's been ever-supportive,
at very early in the morning after we got the initial MRI results indicative of MS:

I've been telling myself all night (barely slept!) that what I believed about God yesterday is the same today.  He is ever-present in the time of trouble.  He has created good works for me to do, and his grace is so very sufficient.
that email?
it's so true today.
whatever news i get from the neurologist in a week
{be it an official diagnosis, an official non-diagnosis, or just a wait-and-see situation}
will not change what I believe about God.
{that He is all-powerful, all-Knowing, all-Sovereign}

for, His plans are to prosper, not to harm me, and to give me hope and a future.
 
may I love not my life, even unto death.
revelation 12:11

...And Nothing But the Truth

grant and grace. {5 and 3!}

-----

 

Over the past couple of months

 I've written about my latest health situation.

I know I've been vague.

Partly out of privacy, 

and partly because it takes awhile

 to process the possibility of a degenerative neurological disease.

I've had lots of people asking recently,

and i know so many of my friends care so much.

thank-you.

{truly}.

with all of our families' health situations over the past couple of years sometimes I feel like we are going to wear our friends out with yet another health crises, 

so i have been so incredibly humbled and encouraged 

by all of my friends whom have sent flowers, cards, texts and Starbucks gift cards.

{coffee gift cards? these dear friends know me well}

lots of people have asked for an update, 

and i've realized that lots of people know just bits and pieces, 

so....

here's {part 1} of the whole story.

the whole truth and nothing but the truth, okay?

---

Two months in a row I had some very weird "episode-like" symptoms

of left-sided tingling and weakness.

the first time it happened we thought it seemed like even perhaps a stroke,

but the symptoms disappeared and life went on...

...went on until about a month later the symptoms returned, 

and returned with a vengeance.

i had serious left-sided tingling, numbness, and intense weakness.

left-leg weakness to the point of feeling like i needed a cane.

so, we called the dr.

the results were not what we expected.

---

my favorite 5-year-old.

 {2 months ago}

The white paper crinkled beneath me as I sat high on the doctor's table.

The specialist walked in the room, smiled at me. we exchanged polite pleasantries. 

She sat down. She skipped over any questions about my symptoms - 

{one-sided weaknes and tingling}- and pulled out the MRI report.  

So, your MRI came back.  

my heart paused, waiting, ready.

She continued, speaking words that did not make sense. 

It shows a lesion, and says demyelinating plaque cannot be excluded.

I was confused.

 She contiued.  

It's indicative of multiple sclerosis.

In a life-changing instant never to be forgotten, I sharply sucked my breath in. my heart beat faster.  The doctor continued talking but I couldn't hear it.. 

 

I turned to my husband sitting int the chair next to me.  

My eyes wide, I mouthed  

 

multiple sclerosis?!?

---

to be continued.

my sweet, supportive husband

Happy Easter

We serve a Risen Savior.

amen?

amen.

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.

 

Because He lives, All fear is gone!

Because I know He holds the future

And life is worth the living just because He lives!

 My life..

all my messy, complicated life -

it's worth the living

just because He lives.

I have hope for this life -

hope that even in the midst of uncertainty with health situations,

in the midst of ministry,

in the midst of parenting little kids -

hope for abundant joy,

unexplainable peace. 

Just because He lives.

Happy Resurrection Day, Indeed.

 

Sparkly Purses.

this morning,

i found Grace's pink sparkly-handled purse

{that she had been carrying around all morning}.

in it?

a pony.

her "lipstick" that is her new obsession 

{and which the promise of a new one totally gets us through a grocery trip}

 

and a yellow and blue rubber ball.

because a girl never knows when she'll need a bouncy ball, right?

---

and, as I cleaned up her purse contents,

i had a flash-forward of about 13 years.

of her carrying a real purse.

coming in the door, plopping it on the table with the rest of cute teenage-girl-ish stuff.

i envisioned her texting her girlfriends,

doing homework,

complaining about boys.

going to sports practice,

youth group,

service projects.

and, my heart stopped.

this little baby girl of mine?

she's growing too fast.

{as is your child, I'm sure}.

since we can't slow time down,

over the past few months I've tried to be even more

 deliberately intentional with these gifts of ours.

{the possibility of a neurological disease will do that, I'm sure..

..if i won't be able to walk in 20 years, you better believe 

i want to be able to say that when I could walk, 

i ran with the kids, kicked a soccer ball, peddled a bike,

 every single time i could.}

so, today?

i hold her when she wants to be held.

i cry with her over whatever's wrong in her almost-3-year-old world.

i give her snacks, at maybe not snack time.

 i let her wear her crazy colorful boots when she wants to.

because really?

the stuff that frustrates me day-to-day?

like spilled cereal and laundry piles

and dirty bathrooms and dishes to wash?

it doesn't matter.

it.does.not.matter.

connecting with my kids?

being kind and tenderhearted towards them?

pointing them towards our Savior?

that matters.

i pray to that i do it better and better each day, with each new phase we enter into with its new challenges.  i pray i pursue kindness towards them, pursue tenderheartedness. pursue love, compassion, gentleness.

{and i pray you do, too.}

Rosemary Bacon Chicken

 

Since Sundays are generally a pretty busy day for us,

mondays i usually spend around the house. 

in running clothes, playing with the kids, 

catching up on laundry and cleaning.

today i spent around the house, 

making Easter egg countdowns with the kids, playing dart guns,

and fighting off a sinus infection.

{this is making me sound super-interesting, right?}

anyway, here's today's super-easy, really yummy chicken recipe.

{i didn't take a picture of it with our roasted asparagus and salad!}

 

Rosemary Bacon Chicken

ingredients:

a little bit of garlic

4 sprigs fresh rosemary

4 thick slices bacon 

{nitrate-free is the best!}

salt and pepper

4 boneless, skinless chicken breast halves 

directions:

1.pre-heat oven to 425*

2. rub about 1/2 teaspoon garlic on each chicken breast half. i used this kind, but you could totally use garlic powder or even real garlic.

3. season with salt and pepper.

4. lay one rosemary sprig on each chicken breast.  i love rosemary! it will add a great flavor, but I promise it won't be overpowering.

5. wrap the bacon around the chicken.

you could totally use a thick toothpick to hold it in place, but I just made sure each end of the bacon was tucked under the chicken, and it baked fine. 

6. bake until a thermometer says the internal temp has reached 165* - this took my chicken about 24 minutes. 

enjoy!

grant and grace inhaled this. 

seriously, inhaled.

it has fabulous flavor.

{found a photo with our yummy asparagus!}

tips on roasting asparagus, coming soon.

Weekend Wrap-Up

today, i got to sit beside my husband in church.

i know, not very earth-shattering news,

but, in our line of work

{church ministry}

it is a bit different from our norm.

{it was so nice}

to hear my husband's voice singing next to me

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

but, even though most Sunday morning's i'm found trying to find someone to sit next to,

it's so, so, so worth it.

however, i will enjoy the once-a-year mornings that we can ride together.

sing together.

worship together.

 

matt, the absolute love of my life, and myself.

Friday

this afternoon i sent a text to my husband that said 

{I'm painting the table in the foyer}

an hour later I text again

{i say i'm painting and get no response? :)}

to which he replied, 

{that doesn't surprise me.  every couple of months you're painting something. :)}

after almost 10 years 

{10 years May 11!}

he does know me well.

i love to paint.

super, super, super love it.

love color.

so, this table in our entryway?
{that's way old, super scuffed up, and doesn't really fit with our decor anymore?}

it's about to be a mustard yellow.  

I'm going to keep the red bowl, 

get rid of the {W}, the white picture frame, 

and probably move the picture above it as well.  

We have an old mirror that I'm thinking will work above this table, off-centered,

with the frame painted a deep turquoise.

anyway, here's the table now, 2 hours and 2 coats of special no-need-to-sand primer later.

the yellow to be painted tonight, after little fingers are asleep.

also testing out arrangements for a gallery wall of sorts for our living room.

what do you think? okay to mix frames?

i think I like it. and, that {W} moved from the entryway?

i think it will be a dark red.

i told you i like to paint! 

happy weekend, all!

Results

happy, happy, happy news around here today.

my MRA and MRI of my neck came back completely normal.

follow-up appointment in a couple of weeks with the neurologist.

{still gotta discuss the original MRI that did not come back normal, 

along with figuring out the cause of the symptoms}.

so, this could still possibly be something serious.

however, today's MRI coming back normal means 

it's not an automatic diagnosis,

and at least if it is something serious,

we're in the early stages.

whew.

so, for now, celebrating God's goodness and mercy.

thanks for celebrating with me,

praying with me,

loving me.

truly.

i've been so humbled by everyone's care and concern.

i'm just *me*.

and yet a lot of you have been so extremely kind.

 it's humbling, and touching.

thank-you.

so, we wait, keep praying,

and try to get back to regularly scheduled life.

I Will Follow

Over the past year, Chris Tomlin's song I Will Follow has been a special one to me.

The Lord used the lyrics well over a year ago

 to help spur my heart to follow Him to a small country in East Africa.

{a country with which I fell in love and my heart longs to return}

when we've sang this song over the past year, 

my heart always beats a resounding {yes}.

Lord, I will follow.

wherever you go, i'll go.

I just never knew that the journey would go in this direction.

---

a couple months ago I had some weird health symptoms.

kinda par-for-the-course around here, right? it's always something.

some weird weakness and tingling along my left arm and leg.

got a bit worried about a stroke, but it went away, and so life went on

and we kinda forgot about it.

forgot about it until about a month later when the symptoms returned.

so, fast-forward through lots of doctors and tests,

and we're getting pretty close to knowing some answers.

what we do know is that it's not a stroke, seizure, tumor, or blood clot.

which leaves other kinda more serious, kinda scary answers.

tomorrow morning I have one more round of MRIs.

we are very hopeful that these will give us some more definitive answers.

a clear MRI is good news.

really, really, really good news.

burst into tears-of-relief good news.

---

Chris Tomlin's song says

Who you love, I'll love
How you serve I'll serve
If this life I lose, I will follow you
I will follow you 

and that's the prayer of my heart.

wherever, however, whenever He leads,

I.will.follow.

what I believed about God 2 months ago?

that He's all-powerful, all-Sovereign, faithful, loving, merciful?

it's still true.

even in the face of a potentially scary diagnosis,

it's.still.true.

What I believed about God 2 months ago, I choose to believe today. 

and tomorrow. and the day after that.

{come what may}.

---

so, friends that have loved us, thank-you for praying with us and for us.

may our heart's response mirror Job's - 

when, 

upon receiving devastating news of the loss of his children and possessions,

he fell on the ground in worship, saying

Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
   and naked I will depart.
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
   may the name of the LORD be praised.”

yes.

 come what may after tomorrow's test,

{may the name of the LORD be praised.}

----

Chris Tomlin's song.