The One in Which You See Anna

{post title courtesy of the sitcom Friends, for those of you who watched that show.

we were avid Friends fans, in the day...and may or may not have even owned a copy of the Friends trivia game, and may or may not have played it religiously with dear, special friends with whom clearly we watched way too much TV}

--

about a month ago,

i had the extremely humbling

{oh so humbling}

 experience of being able to share my heart at our church's women's retreat.

i blog off and on about multiple sclerosis and what I've been learning through it.

and, i am so {so, so, so}

much more comfortable in my sweats in front of a keyboard 

than I am with a microphone in front of an audience.

but, i was deeply thankful to be able to share my story of multiple sclerosis and what the Lord has taught me through it over the last eleven months.

so, here you go.

the post in which you see anna.

 and i may die right now, so i will press {publish} before i hit delete. 

{watching yourself on video is a bit, well, brutal}

here's the video from that night,

if you'd like to hear it.

the first part is through about 12 minutes,

and the next part is about 35 minutes after that.

{if the embed doesn't work, this is the link}

MRI and Mutliple Sclerosis

 6 months ago,

i walked into an imaging center.

i laid in a tube for a brain MRI

and had zero inclination that the results would be anything but normal.

well, for those that know me or follow my blog,

you know that that one afternoon spent getting a MRI 

was a life-changer.

---

 

{6 months later}

i feel fantastic.

really, really fantastic.

besides giving myself daily injections,

dealing with the minor side effects from them,

and knowing way-more-than-i-ever-thought-i'd-know about neurological diseases,

i don't think you'd ever know i have multiple sclerosis.

actually, i just mentioned to my ever-loving husband that it still seems so surreal -

when I say those words -

{multiple sclerosis}

outloud,

it seems unbelievable.

for the most part, 

{only by the grace and goodness of my Savior}

 i feel like i handle this whole

i-have-a-progressive-debilitating-neurological-disease gig

pretty well.

that's why,

when a week ago i walked into that same imaging center for a repeat MRI,

my emotions surprised me.

it was as though i was returning to visit a gravesite, really -

the place where the line in the sand of my life was drawn.

the place where my adult life will always be marked as {before} and {after} MS.

that imaging center was a tangible reminder of this disease of mine -

a tangible reminder of how my life has changed, of how my reality has changed.

but you know?

it was also a tangible reminder of the grace and goodness the Lord has poured out upon my life the past 6 months.

He has met me, time and time again,

exactly when I needed Him to. 

His Word has comforted, encouraged, and challenged me to remain steadfast, abounding in good work, and to run with endurance this race the Lord has for me.

and during that MRI a week ago?

I felt like the Lord showed me one small way He loves me, 

even while I was laying in that loud tube.

 I was a bit on edge for the results of this MRI,

but I was doing okay.

okay until the tech 

{whom actually remembered me from 6 months ago!}

came in and started saying stuff like

God never gives us more than we can handle.

and 

be strong, girl, be strong.

and,

there's been so many advances in MS treatment! you'll be great.

i kinda started to panic.

really panic.

like, 

get me out-of-this tube-right-now or i may throw up all over it 

panic.

and then,

over the huge headset they gave me in which i was listening to a Christian radio station,

i heard

"Bless the Lord,

oh my soul,

oh my soul,

worship His holy name."

a couple months ago I wrote about how Matt Redman's song 10,000 reasons had been so influential in my life and in my MS diagnosis.

and it came on, over my earphones, in that MRI machine at the peak of my panic.

so, as I heard that song that I have essentially listened to over and over and over again over the past few months,

i calmed. i remembered the God I serve and How big He is - 

how much bigger than MRI results.

how much bigger than any neurological disease.

Matt Redman sang

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore

and I remembered how incredibly short this life is.

and when the day comes that my strength fails -

no matter how much sooner or later it is

still my soul will sing His praise.

--

and, by the way,

my MRI came back unchanged from the one 6 months ago.

in neurology talk, folks, that's great news.

kinda means no disease progression.

amen, amen, and amen.

 

Multiple Sclerosis: the nitty gritty

be fore-warned:
this is a really long, detailed post, 
outside my usual norm. 
trying to answer some specific questions I get about MS.

---

 i really, really like hydrangeas.


 Before a MRI report came back with the words

demyelinating plaque cannot be excluded

I knew very little about multiple sclerosis.
what I did know was kinda the worse-case-scenario.

annette funicello, anyone?

After my doctor gave us the MRI news, however,

we were googling even before we made it to our vehicle.

we've kinda been on a MS-crash-course the past 6 months.

we {read: I} went through our fair share of panic and near-hysteria.

but, lots of information and more of God's grace later,

we're doing okay. really, really, really okay.

but, obviously, I get lots of questions about MS.

I never mind answering them.

actually, NOT talking about MS is harder than talking about it.

NOT talking about it is kinda like the elephant in the room, right?

so, here's my blog version of an MS crash course.

---

What in the world IS multiple sclerosis?

it's a disease of the central nervous system

{your brain and spine}

 

you know how an extension cord has the plastic coating around it?

that's kinda what our neurons have in our nervous system - 

they have a protective coating around them.

{called the myelin, for all y'all out there who, like me,

want to know every.single.detail. possible.}

well, in MS, for whatever reason,

my body attacks that protective coating.

 {have you ever had your curling iron touch the power cord and melt it a bit? 

that's what's happening - that protective coating is gone}

when that attack on the coating happens, it leaves a scar -

{sclerosis is the latin word for scar}

that scarring is what shows up on MRIs.

it's also what causes symptoms -

as my nervous systems sends out signals, it runs along the nerves, 

hits that scar, and, in me, caused tingling, weakness, and burning.

What kind of MS do I have?

I have relapsing-remitting multiple sclerosis.

this means that there will be attacks (also called relapses or flares),

which is what I had in January and February.

in between attacks (relapses), there's a remission period.

however, each attack can cause permanent damage that may never go away.

after my attack in February, 

I have left-sided weakness and tingling that has stayed.

What's the prognosis?

it's hard to know.

that's the scary and unsettling part of MS -

I could be fine for even several years, get an attack,

and then need a cane, walker, or wheelchair the rest of my life.

I could have a mild course of MS and live with mainly sensory symptoms the rest of my life -

tingling, burning, weakness -

or I could have a severe course of MS and be in a wheelchair and need daily assistance.

twenty years after diagnosis 2/3 of MS patients will still be able to walk

 -although they may need a cane or walker-device.

{you can read more about prognosis here}.

What symptoms do I have every day?

almost daily there will be a point where my left arm goes weak,

my left hand will burn, 

or my left foot will tingle.

compared to using a make-shift cane in February, I can live with a little bit of weakness!

sometimes I get really, really fatigued, too. 
that's a major issue with MS,
and we just try to adjust and nap. 

Is my medicine helping?

My daily injections don't really work like that...

they're really for trying to slow down the long-term disease progression

as well as reducing the frequency of attacks.

most people on treatment get on average on attack/year.

most people not on treatment get three attacks/year.

What can we do to help?

i'm really fine right now.

if you saw me, you wouldn't know I had MS, 

although a very observant person may see me occasionally rubbing my left hand or strategically picking up a cold water bottle with my left hand to cool the burning.

you CAN ask about how MS is going.  

casually asking gives me an opportunity to talk about it if I want to, but also just say something like "oh, I'm good", and change subjects if I don't want to talk.

this is with any serious issue, right?
NOT talking about it is WORSE than not saying anything 
for fear of not knowing what to say.

{and, ya know, you can always bring me coffee, a coke, or chocolate}.

 You're really okay, right?


I get this question the most.
emotionally, spiritually,
i am so very, very okay.

my dreams for the future?
they may not be what the Lord has for me.
the apostle Paul?
I'm sure he didn't envision imprisonments, shipwrecks, 
even snake bites
for his life...
and yet he said what happened to him served to 
advance the gospel and encourage his fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.
{philippians 1: 12 & 14}


MS is serious.
I get that.
I am extraordinarily humbled that the Lord would allow me 
to deal with such a heavy situation.
and maybe, somehow, in some Divine way, 
use it to help advance the gospel,
to encourage my fellow Believers,
to bring more Glory to Himself.

{extremely, extremely humbled}. 

my prayer almost daily is that I will walk this MS journey well.
may my heart remain steadfast -
confidant, immoveable,
always  aboudning in the work of the Lord,
because I know that my labor is not in vain.
{I Corinthians 15:58}



----

do you have a question about MS that I haven't answered here?

leave it in the comments and I'll answer it.

Just Diagnosed with MS

my favorite 5-year-old,

with a celebratory ice-cream cone on his last day of preschool.

---

 

One week ago today, 

I sat on the doctor's table in a pink dress, 

flipping through some texts on my iphone as I waited.

My husband and I chatted a bit.

I browsed a brochure.

the clock ticked.

And then the neurologist entered the room.

And, after a lengthy discussion,

made official what had been discussed for months.

One week ago today,

I was diagnosed with 

Multiple Sclerosis.

---

almost 18 months ago.

{February 2011}

I had just returned home from 2 weeks in a small country in east Africa.

we were supposed to be there ministering to the workers there, 

but it was myself who was blessed beyond measure.

 The Lord expanded my horizons on that trip,

and made me long for something more for our lives.

I've written on my blog in several places about our desire to be radical with our lives.

Radical with our ministry, radical in our service to our Savior.

Upon returning home from Africa,

these are the words penned in my prayer journal:

"If you are willing and obedient, you shall eat the good of the land".

 {isaiah 1:19}

Father,

I long to be willing and obedient. 

Where you lead, we will go.

To Africa, to adoption, to other ministry,

to radical ministry right here in Indiana,

whatever you have for us,

we will go.

---

For over a year,

I have prayed to be radical with our lives.

 that wherever the Lord led us, 

we would follow.

Perhaps the Lord was preparing me for a different kind of radical service -

a life lived with a progressive neuromuscular disease.

This is now our new normal.

MS info is almost always a tab on my ipad.

we have stacks of insurance information and injection training paperwork.

This is our new normal.

and, you know?

it's okay.

I am, for the moment, over my initial panic and knee-jerk reaction.

for a month or so after our initial MRI i was panicked.

completely, completely panicked.

but now it's just back to life.

back to serving in our church here that we love.

back to playground visits and splash pad fun and Nerf gun wars.

{it's back to life}

back to believing what I always believed -

the God is always, always, always Sovereign.

that there are purposes to our lives that we may never see this side of eternity.

that my Hope rests on Jesus Christ and His coming again -

My hope does not rest on my desire to walk down the aisle 

{in cute shoes, nonetheless}

at my daughter's wedding.

 or to chase grandkids around our house.

or to travel into our retirement years.

My hope rests on nothing less than Jesus Christ and His righteousness.

Yes, our future may look different than our 30-something-year-old selves had envisioned.

it will be okay.

---

 

One week ago today,

I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.

whatever the future may hold,

may we be willing and obedient,

and walk in it well.

 

 

Getting Closer: Multiple Sclerosis

hydrangeas. they're some of my favorite flowers.

---

I was going back through some blog posts of mine,

and I noticed I've been quiet recently.

It's not that there's nothing to write about,

kinda the opposite, really.

like my heart has so much to say that it seems too much for a simple blog.

since my last post, I've had 2 more tests

{bloodwork and an EMG}

come back within normal limits.

while normal is good

{after our shock of all shock MRI results late February,

I'll always, always, always breathe a deep sigh of relief when health stuff comes back normal}

these were also kinda the last two possible things to give me a 

get out of jail free card

and skip me pass the whole MS boardwalk.

---

I have a neurology appointment Tuesday.

the closer it gets,

the more real it gets.

the more surreal it gets.

i mean,

ME.

anna ruth w.

mother of 2.

pastor's wife.

former teacher.

runner.

cook.

photography hobbyist.

lover of coffee.

barefeet.

orphans.

kids.

and good conversation.

 

ME.

i am about 

four sleeps

{as my favorite-5-year-old would say}

away from sitting, 

once again, 

high on the doctor's table

and discussing a life-long degenerative,

possibly debilitating 

 disease.

---

 

so, though I've been quiet on here,

my heart has been full.

full of lots of little kid fun.

full of basking in these early summer days with little kids.

full of trying to not think about how much our future might possibly change.

full of not thinking about how nervous I am about MS treatment like daily injections.

full of not thinking about the possibility of cognitive impairment, motor impairment,

sensory impairment, and all sorts of other MS complications.

full of just trying to not think about MS in general.

and, full of knowing deep within, 

that though we are getting closer and closer 

to an official diagnosis,

official treatment,

I am incredibly, incredibly incapable of handling a life with MS.

and, full of knowing that the Lord can handle it, 

and His Strength is made perfect in my weakness.

{and that is enough for me}.

Diagnosis: {Almost} MS

Matt Redman's 10,000 Reasons is on my play over-and-over-and-over again list these days.

Have you heard it?

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

The lyrics are near and dear to my heart these past few months -

these past few up-and-down, panic-laden, trust-inducing months.

---

 one of my all-time favorite pictures of Grace, at just-turned-2, with her beloved bear.

---

{Last Thursday}

I had had a few months to process the neurologist's thoughts.

her thoughts as in

i think you have multiple sclerosis.

I had prayed that I would ground myself in truth -

truth as in 

do not fear.

in your weakness, you will be made strong.

No plan of God's can be thwarted. 

but, as, once again, 

the white paper crinkled beneath me as I awaited the doctor,

i was nervous.

nervous about hearing an official diagnosis.

nervous about possible tests I didn't want to do.

nervous about what the journey of this diagnosis would entail.

the dr. {finally} entered the room.

she reviewed my previous MRI's,

discussed a few last thoughts on a few other tests to be absolutely sure we're not overlooking anything.

I listened.

I asked

{if my blood work comes back normal, is MS the only thing we're left with?}

she thought briefly and answered

MS is the only thing we're left with.

-----

So, we left the doctor's office with an almost-diagnosis.

I return in a month,

where, barring any last-minute miracle,

we will further discuss starting MS treatment.

{probably a daily injection}

and, with that, our journey on this earth has changed.

in the book of Philippians, the apostle Paul {from prison!} writes:

"...what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel..."

yes.  May even this most-likely MS journey -

may it, somehow, in a way that we'll never be able to see, 

serve to advance the gospel. 

My trust in the Sovereignty of God has reached a new level over the past few months.

this MS stuff? it's not a suprise to Him.

I worship God for who He is,

and He is always good, always compassionate, always loving.

whatever happens to me -

whether I have a fairly benign disease course or a progressive one,

whether i deal with fatigue, weakness, tingling or not,

whether I can walk in 30 years or not -

may it serve to advance the Gospel.

And, as Matt Redman sings -

 whatever may pass,

and whatever lies before me:

May I be singing when the evening comes.

amen.  

Faith and Multiple Sclerosis

 what i'm drinking tonight.

wow, y'all.

{we lived in Dallas for 3 years - 

I can still use that word, right?}.

even though I love to write,

i am struggling to find the adequate words tonight.

i have been humbled and just really touched by your love for me.

i've gotten so, so, so many sweet, touching, supportive emails, 

facebook messages,

comments,

over the past several days.

 there are just not words to express it adequately,

but I'll say it:

thank-you.

it's awesome to see the body of Christ at work -

this is what this life is all about, anyway, right?

bearing each other's burdens, 

sharpening each other,

lifting each other up to the throne of grace -

encouraging each other to walk in faith.

Thank-you for sharing the beginning of this 

{possible} multiple sclerosis journey with me.

thank-you for taking time to write me,

{which, if I haven't replied yet, i will.

kinda busy hosting my sweet Bible study girls for dinner,

and, ya know, playing with two little kids who are, well, time-consuming.}

but, truly, thank-you for praying.

We believe our God is the Great Physician,

and that the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

so, whatever lies before me,

multiple sclerosis or not,

something worse or not,

we will choose to say

Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

it's a bit therapeutic for me to write out how i'm feeling and what's going on in my life,

and if, somehow, in some way, part of my journey can encourage 

you to run to the cross, to Cling to the cross for your own life,

then i will keep writing. 

hebrews 11:8 says

...by faith, Abraham, 

when called to go to a place, 

obeyed and went, 

even though he did not know where he was going...

The Lord may be calling me to go on a health journey 

that I will not know where it leads.

thank-you for joining me for the journey, 

whatever it may be.

may I have faith like Abraham.

May *you* have faith like Abraham

----

...through faith [they} were made strong out of weakness...

Hebrews 11:34