Father's Day

I got sick Saturday night.

sick as in,

 go to bed at 7:00 Saturday night 

 and don't get up until 2 Sunday afternoon.

of course, I got sick on a Saturday night.

of course, I got sick on Father's Day.

I mumbled a "happy father's day" to my loving husband as he brought me some orange juice and more advil.

and then proceeded to take care of, feed, play with, and occupy our kids all day long.

and, honestly?

he's pretty wiped out usually after Sunday mornings -

so, he took care of the kids all day, including his usual Sunday stuff.

he's a rockstar dad, right?

When I awoke with a 102* fever,

gone were my plans for balloons and streamers,

cake and icecream.

But you know what?

the day proved just a testament to what a father my husband truly is.

When we needed him to, 

he did what he does best -

he stepped up, 

took charge,

and loved us well.

Matt,

your loyalty and love to our family has been tested 

and proven over and over and over again.

thank-you-

for being the kind of get-on-the-floor, 

run-around-the-house, 

dart-guns-till-we-collapse kinda dad.

thank-you -

for your steady, calm confidence in the face of anything,

and for pointing our kids to their Ultimate Father.

they love you lots.

i love you lots.

and, I promise to have a do-over on the balloons and streamers part of father's day soon.

Just Diagnosed with MS

my favorite 5-year-old,

with a celebratory ice-cream cone on his last day of preschool.

---

 

One week ago today, 

I sat on the doctor's table in a pink dress, 

flipping through some texts on my iphone as I waited.

My husband and I chatted a bit.

I browsed a brochure.

the clock ticked.

And then the neurologist entered the room.

And, after a lengthy discussion,

made official what had been discussed for months.

One week ago today,

I was diagnosed with 

Multiple Sclerosis.

---

almost 18 months ago.

{February 2011}

I had just returned home from 2 weeks in a small country in east Africa.

we were supposed to be there ministering to the workers there, 

but it was myself who was blessed beyond measure.

 The Lord expanded my horizons on that trip,

and made me long for something more for our lives.

I've written on my blog in several places about our desire to be radical with our lives.

Radical with our ministry, radical in our service to our Savior.

Upon returning home from Africa,

these are the words penned in my prayer journal:

"If you are willing and obedient, you shall eat the good of the land".

 {isaiah 1:19}

Father,

I long to be willing and obedient. 

Where you lead, we will go.

To Africa, to adoption, to other ministry,

to radical ministry right here in Indiana,

whatever you have for us,

we will go.

---

For over a year,

I have prayed to be radical with our lives.

 that wherever the Lord led us, 

we would follow.

Perhaps the Lord was preparing me for a different kind of radical service -

a life lived with a progressive neuromuscular disease.

This is now our new normal.

MS info is almost always a tab on my ipad.

we have stacks of insurance information and injection training paperwork.

This is our new normal.

and, you know?

it's okay.

I am, for the moment, over my initial panic and knee-jerk reaction.

for a month or so after our initial MRI i was panicked.

completely, completely panicked.

but now it's just back to life.

back to serving in our church here that we love.

back to playground visits and splash pad fun and Nerf gun wars.

{it's back to life}

back to believing what I always believed -

the God is always, always, always Sovereign.

that there are purposes to our lives that we may never see this side of eternity.

that my Hope rests on Jesus Christ and His coming again -

My hope does not rest on my desire to walk down the aisle 

{in cute shoes, nonetheless}

at my daughter's wedding.

 or to chase grandkids around our house.

or to travel into our retirement years.

My hope rests on nothing less than Jesus Christ and His righteousness.

Yes, our future may look different than our 30-something-year-old selves had envisioned.

it will be okay.

---

 

One week ago today,

I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.

whatever the future may hold,

may we be willing and obedient,

and walk in it well.

 

 

Bumblebee Transformer

I tucked this sweet girl into bed tonight.

and then 30 minutes later I re-tucked her into bed.

{she strangely took a 3 hour nap today! 

nice. but, bedtime is now questionable}

As I prayed with her {again}

she went through the typical cast of characters of whom to pray for.

bubby. mommy. daddy. papa's boo-boo.

and then, 

she came out with

can we pray for Bumblebee?

Bumblebee.

 as in the big, bright yellow, robot transformer.

Pray for Bumblebee, momma?

And my heart smiled.

I pictured my Father in Heaven smiling, too.

We thanked God for 3-year-olds and prayed that we'd get to see Bumblebee again soon.

sweet girl.

----

 

{Cast all of our cares on Him,

for He cares for us.}

i peter 5:7

Right?

every single care,

He cares.

every.single.worry.

every single situation.

every.single.thing.

He cares.

 Tonight,

as I received my first MS medicine kit in the mail yesterday,

I rest in the fact that 

He cares.

deeply, personally.

{He cares}

---

Getting Closer: Multiple Sclerosis

hydrangeas. they're some of my favorite flowers.

---

I was going back through some blog posts of mine,

and I noticed I've been quiet recently.

It's not that there's nothing to write about,

kinda the opposite, really.

like my heart has so much to say that it seems too much for a simple blog.

since my last post, I've had 2 more tests

{bloodwork and an EMG}

come back within normal limits.

while normal is good

{after our shock of all shock MRI results late February,

I'll always, always, always breathe a deep sigh of relief when health stuff comes back normal}

these were also kinda the last two possible things to give me a 

get out of jail free card

and skip me pass the whole MS boardwalk.

---

I have a neurology appointment Tuesday.

the closer it gets,

the more real it gets.

the more surreal it gets.

i mean,

ME.

anna ruth w.

mother of 2.

pastor's wife.

former teacher.

runner.

cook.

photography hobbyist.

lover of coffee.

barefeet.

orphans.

kids.

and good conversation.

 

ME.

i am about 

four sleeps

{as my favorite-5-year-old would say}

away from sitting, 

once again, 

high on the doctor's table

and discussing a life-long degenerative,

possibly debilitating 

 disease.

---

 

so, though I've been quiet on here,

my heart has been full.

full of lots of little kid fun.

full of basking in these early summer days with little kids.

full of trying to not think about how much our future might possibly change.

full of not thinking about how nervous I am about MS treatment like daily injections.

full of not thinking about the possibility of cognitive impairment, motor impairment,

sensory impairment, and all sorts of other MS complications.

full of just trying to not think about MS in general.

and, full of knowing deep within, 

that though we are getting closer and closer 

to an official diagnosis,

official treatment,

I am incredibly, incredibly incapable of handling a life with MS.

and, full of knowing that the Lord can handle it, 

and His Strength is made perfect in my weakness.

{and that is enough for me}.

Diagnosis: {Almost} MS

Matt Redman's 10,000 Reasons is on my play over-and-over-and-over again list these days.

Have you heard it?

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

The lyrics are near and dear to my heart these past few months -

these past few up-and-down, panic-laden, trust-inducing months.

---

 one of my all-time favorite pictures of Grace, at just-turned-2, with her beloved bear.

---

{Last Thursday}

I had had a few months to process the neurologist's thoughts.

her thoughts as in

i think you have multiple sclerosis.

I had prayed that I would ground myself in truth -

truth as in 

do not fear.

in your weakness, you will be made strong.

No plan of God's can be thwarted. 

but, as, once again, 

the white paper crinkled beneath me as I awaited the doctor,

i was nervous.

nervous about hearing an official diagnosis.

nervous about possible tests I didn't want to do.

nervous about what the journey of this diagnosis would entail.

the dr. {finally} entered the room.

she reviewed my previous MRI's,

discussed a few last thoughts on a few other tests to be absolutely sure we're not overlooking anything.

I listened.

I asked

{if my blood work comes back normal, is MS the only thing we're left with?}

she thought briefly and answered

MS is the only thing we're left with.

-----

So, we left the doctor's office with an almost-diagnosis.

I return in a month,

where, barring any last-minute miracle,

we will further discuss starting MS treatment.

{probably a daily injection}

and, with that, our journey on this earth has changed.

in the book of Philippians, the apostle Paul {from prison!} writes:

"...what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel..."

yes.  May even this most-likely MS journey -

may it, somehow, in a way that we'll never be able to see, 

serve to advance the gospel. 

My trust in the Sovereignty of God has reached a new level over the past few months.

this MS stuff? it's not a suprise to Him.

I worship God for who He is,

and He is always good, always compassionate, always loving.

whatever happens to me -

whether I have a fairly benign disease course or a progressive one,

whether i deal with fatigue, weakness, tingling or not,

whether I can walk in 30 years or not -

may it serve to advance the Gospel.

And, as Matt Redman sings -

 whatever may pass,

and whatever lies before me:

May I be singing when the evening comes.

amen.  

Friday!

For the past week(ish) in my life...

{via cell phone photos!}

 i've been...

painting.

 i fell in love with a shade of dark blue from a picture of a friend's house.

my local Sherwin William people?

they've gotta think I'm a little bit of crazy as they've been helping me match shades of blue to an instagrammed-picture on my iphone.

but, i'm getting close to the right shade.

 

...hosting my sweet Bible study girls for our wrap-up dinner.

this is one of my all-time favorite recipes.

pasta and sausage in a cream sauce?

doesn't get much better than that in my book.

 ...wearing my favorite {just-turned-3!} year-old.

and her bear.

...forever cleaning the kitchen.

never ending, huh?

 

 ...and drinking lots of coffee and reading lots of Hebrews.

right before my neurology appointment this week.

that chapter is open to Hebrews 11.

...through their weakness, they were made strong...

{more on that dr appointment, later, people.

but, thank-you for still praying.  all results still point to multiple sclerosis}.

Happy Friday, all! 

--

wanna catch-up with my recent MS news?

click on the link that says "Anna's journey with MS" at the top of the page.

Faith and Multiple Sclerosis

 what i'm drinking tonight.

wow, y'all.

{we lived in Dallas for 3 years - 

I can still use that word, right?}.

even though I love to write,

i am struggling to find the adequate words tonight.

i have been humbled and just really touched by your love for me.

i've gotten so, so, so many sweet, touching, supportive emails, 

facebook messages,

comments,

over the past several days.

 there are just not words to express it adequately,

but I'll say it:

thank-you.

it's awesome to see the body of Christ at work -

this is what this life is all about, anyway, right?

bearing each other's burdens, 

sharpening each other,

lifting each other up to the throne of grace -

encouraging each other to walk in faith.

Thank-you for sharing the beginning of this 

{possible} multiple sclerosis journey with me.

thank-you for taking time to write me,

{which, if I haven't replied yet, i will.

kinda busy hosting my sweet Bible study girls for dinner,

and, ya know, playing with two little kids who are, well, time-consuming.}

but, truly, thank-you for praying.

We believe our God is the Great Physician,

and that the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

so, whatever lies before me,

multiple sclerosis or not,

something worse or not,

we will choose to say

Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

it's a bit therapeutic for me to write out how i'm feeling and what's going on in my life,

and if, somehow, in some way, part of my journey can encourage 

you to run to the cross, to Cling to the cross for your own life,

then i will keep writing. 

hebrews 11:8 says

...by faith, Abraham, 

when called to go to a place, 

obeyed and went, 

even though he did not know where he was going...

The Lord may be calling me to go on a health journey 

that I will not know where it leads.

thank-you for joining me for the journey, 

whatever it may be.

may I have faith like Abraham.

May *you* have faith like Abraham

----

...through faith [they} were made strong out of weakness...

Hebrews 11:34

Faith and Multiple Sclerosis

continued from part 1

--------------

 

Dazed, we left the exam room,
made it through scheduling an urgent neurology appointment and walked to the vehicle. 

i cannot have multiple sclerosis. i have 2 little kids.
i cannot have MS. I cannot have MS.
 

we stared at each other in the truck.

i barely slept that night, waking earlier than my usual hour.
i sat down with my favorite mug of strong coffee filled with {more-than-a-dash of} half and half.
I started reading and reading and reading about MS.
I knew no one with it, I understood nothing about the disease.
 
and then,
I opened my vintage-floral, hard-cover, well-worn, much-loved,  and so-needed ESV Bible.
 
I searched for truth. for help.
 
{I searched for hope}.
 
---

 
I recently read this quote about preaching
{what my beloved husband does for a living}:

Preaching is something dangerously public that emerges from something intensely private.

I kinda feel that way about blogging, too.
I know sometimes I just write about the kids or food or every day fun stuff,
but often what I write about comes from a place deep inside me.
a place that stems from my early mornings with my coffee and my Bible.
my pen and a journal.
 
 most of what I write about our health situations
 {including this latest MS journey}
 stems from a place deep inside my heart.
 
so, thank-you for listening, for reading, for loving.
i am often boggled that people would ever even read what i write -
it never seems overly interesting to me -
but, thanks.
 
 
here's the rest of the story.
 
 --

i've seen 2 different neurologists.
I've had a lot of testing done.
lots.
 
we've ruled out basically everything else my symptoms could possibly be -
from the simple stuff like vitamin deficiencies to the serious stuff like strokes.
 
what we do know is that it's not anything else.

at my last neurology appointment -
where, as we were walking into the building my entire left arm and leg went instantly weak
{kinda ironic?}
the neurologist, an MS specialist,
said that it does seem like MS.
the symptoms are presenting like MS symptoms.
my very first MRI was indicative of MS.

in her words,
Multiple Sclerosis is a real possibility.
there are likely no other possibilities.

my c-spine {neck} MRI came back clear.
 this does NOT mean that it's not MS
{as I've heard some people have thought}.

it DOES mean that if it indeed IS MS,
the disease is not advanced.
which, is good.
 
in a week we'll {hopefully} have some more solid answers.

as for me?
i'm doing okay.
a month ago i was on the verge of panic.
sheer and utter panic.

but now?
i'm okay. really.
almost weirdly okay.
i don't know if it's just the fact that it's been awhile since my last appointment,
or if the peace that passes all understanding is guarding my heart and mind.
probably both.

because, you know what?
this is what I wrote in an email to my sweet husband,
who's been ever-supportive,
at very early in the morning after we got the initial MRI results indicative of MS:

I've been telling myself all night (barely slept!) that what I believed about God yesterday is the same today.  He is ever-present in the time of trouble.  He has created good works for me to do, and his grace is so very sufficient.
that email?
it's so true today.
whatever news i get from the neurologist in a week
{be it an official diagnosis, an official non-diagnosis, or just a wait-and-see situation}
will not change what I believe about God.
{that He is all-powerful, all-Knowing, all-Sovereign}

for, His plans are to prosper, not to harm me, and to give me hope and a future.
 
may I love not my life, even unto death.
revelation 12:11