Getting Closer: Multiple Sclerosis

hydrangeas. they're some of my favorite flowers.

---

I was going back through some blog posts of mine,

and I noticed I've been quiet recently.

It's not that there's nothing to write about,

kinda the opposite, really.

like my heart has so much to say that it seems too much for a simple blog.

since my last post, I've had 2 more tests

{bloodwork and an EMG}

come back within normal limits.

while normal is good

{after our shock of all shock MRI results late February,

I'll always, always, always breathe a deep sigh of relief when health stuff comes back normal}

these were also kinda the last two possible things to give me a 

get out of jail free card

and skip me pass the whole MS boardwalk.

---

I have a neurology appointment Tuesday.

the closer it gets,

the more real it gets.

the more surreal it gets.

i mean,

ME.

anna ruth w.

mother of 2.

pastor's wife.

former teacher.

runner.

cook.

photography hobbyist.

lover of coffee.

barefeet.

orphans.

kids.

and good conversation.

 

ME.

i am about 

four sleeps

{as my favorite-5-year-old would say}

away from sitting, 

once again, 

high on the doctor's table

and discussing a life-long degenerative,

possibly debilitating 

 disease.

---

 

so, though I've been quiet on here,

my heart has been full.

full of lots of little kid fun.

full of basking in these early summer days with little kids.

full of trying to not think about how much our future might possibly change.

full of not thinking about how nervous I am about MS treatment like daily injections.

full of not thinking about the possibility of cognitive impairment, motor impairment,

sensory impairment, and all sorts of other MS complications.

full of just trying to not think about MS in general.

and, full of knowing deep within, 

that though we are getting closer and closer 

to an official diagnosis,

official treatment,

I am incredibly, incredibly incapable of handling a life with MS.

and, full of knowing that the Lord can handle it, 

and His Strength is made perfect in my weakness.

{and that is enough for me}.

Diagnosis: {Almost} MS

Matt Redman's 10,000 Reasons is on my play over-and-over-and-over again list these days.

Have you heard it?

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

The lyrics are near and dear to my heart these past few months -

these past few up-and-down, panic-laden, trust-inducing months.

---

 one of my all-time favorite pictures of Grace, at just-turned-2, with her beloved bear.

---

{Last Thursday}

I had had a few months to process the neurologist's thoughts.

her thoughts as in

i think you have multiple sclerosis.

I had prayed that I would ground myself in truth -

truth as in 

do not fear.

in your weakness, you will be made strong.

No plan of God's can be thwarted. 

but, as, once again, 

the white paper crinkled beneath me as I awaited the doctor,

i was nervous.

nervous about hearing an official diagnosis.

nervous about possible tests I didn't want to do.

nervous about what the journey of this diagnosis would entail.

the dr. {finally} entered the room.

she reviewed my previous MRI's,

discussed a few last thoughts on a few other tests to be absolutely sure we're not overlooking anything.

I listened.

I asked

{if my blood work comes back normal, is MS the only thing we're left with?}

she thought briefly and answered

MS is the only thing we're left with.

-----

So, we left the doctor's office with an almost-diagnosis.

I return in a month,

where, barring any last-minute miracle,

we will further discuss starting MS treatment.

{probably a daily injection}

and, with that, our journey on this earth has changed.

in the book of Philippians, the apostle Paul {from prison!} writes:

"...what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel..."

yes.  May even this most-likely MS journey -

may it, somehow, in a way that we'll never be able to see, 

serve to advance the gospel. 

My trust in the Sovereignty of God has reached a new level over the past few months.

this MS stuff? it's not a suprise to Him.

I worship God for who He is,

and He is always good, always compassionate, always loving.

whatever happens to me -

whether I have a fairly benign disease course or a progressive one,

whether i deal with fatigue, weakness, tingling or not,

whether I can walk in 30 years or not -

may it serve to advance the Gospel.

And, as Matt Redman sings -

 whatever may pass,

and whatever lies before me:

May I be singing when the evening comes.

amen.  

Friday!

For the past week(ish) in my life...

{via cell phone photos!}

 i've been...

painting.

 i fell in love with a shade of dark blue from a picture of a friend's house.

my local Sherwin William people?

they've gotta think I'm a little bit of crazy as they've been helping me match shades of blue to an instagrammed-picture on my iphone.

but, i'm getting close to the right shade.

 

...hosting my sweet Bible study girls for our wrap-up dinner.

this is one of my all-time favorite recipes.

pasta and sausage in a cream sauce?

doesn't get much better than that in my book.

 ...wearing my favorite {just-turned-3!} year-old.

and her bear.

...forever cleaning the kitchen.

never ending, huh?

 

 ...and drinking lots of coffee and reading lots of Hebrews.

right before my neurology appointment this week.

that chapter is open to Hebrews 11.

...through their weakness, they were made strong...

{more on that dr appointment, later, people.

but, thank-you for still praying.  all results still point to multiple sclerosis}.

Happy Friday, all! 

--

wanna catch-up with my recent MS news?

click on the link that says "Anna's journey with MS" at the top of the page.

Faith and Multiple Sclerosis

 what i'm drinking tonight.

wow, y'all.

{we lived in Dallas for 3 years - 

I can still use that word, right?}.

even though I love to write,

i am struggling to find the adequate words tonight.

i have been humbled and just really touched by your love for me.

i've gotten so, so, so many sweet, touching, supportive emails, 

facebook messages,

comments,

over the past several days.

 there are just not words to express it adequately,

but I'll say it:

thank-you.

it's awesome to see the body of Christ at work -

this is what this life is all about, anyway, right?

bearing each other's burdens, 

sharpening each other,

lifting each other up to the throne of grace -

encouraging each other to walk in faith.

Thank-you for sharing the beginning of this 

{possible} multiple sclerosis journey with me.

thank-you for taking time to write me,

{which, if I haven't replied yet, i will.

kinda busy hosting my sweet Bible study girls for dinner,

and, ya know, playing with two little kids who are, well, time-consuming.}

but, truly, thank-you for praying.

We believe our God is the Great Physician,

and that the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

so, whatever lies before me,

multiple sclerosis or not,

something worse or not,

we will choose to say

Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

it's a bit therapeutic for me to write out how i'm feeling and what's going on in my life,

and if, somehow, in some way, part of my journey can encourage 

you to run to the cross, to Cling to the cross for your own life,

then i will keep writing. 

hebrews 11:8 says

...by faith, Abraham, 

when called to go to a place, 

obeyed and went, 

even though he did not know where he was going...

The Lord may be calling me to go on a health journey 

that I will not know where it leads.

thank-you for joining me for the journey, 

whatever it may be.

may I have faith like Abraham.

May *you* have faith like Abraham

----

...through faith [they} were made strong out of weakness...

Hebrews 11:34

Faith and Multiple Sclerosis

continued from part 1

--------------

 

Dazed, we left the exam room,
made it through scheduling an urgent neurology appointment and walked to the vehicle. 

i cannot have multiple sclerosis. i have 2 little kids.
i cannot have MS. I cannot have MS.
 

we stared at each other in the truck.

i barely slept that night, waking earlier than my usual hour.
i sat down with my favorite mug of strong coffee filled with {more-than-a-dash of} half and half.
I started reading and reading and reading about MS.
I knew no one with it, I understood nothing about the disease.
 
and then,
I opened my vintage-floral, hard-cover, well-worn, much-loved,  and so-needed ESV Bible.
 
I searched for truth. for help.
 
{I searched for hope}.
 
---

 
I recently read this quote about preaching
{what my beloved husband does for a living}:

Preaching is something dangerously public that emerges from something intensely private.

I kinda feel that way about blogging, too.
I know sometimes I just write about the kids or food or every day fun stuff,
but often what I write about comes from a place deep inside me.
a place that stems from my early mornings with my coffee and my Bible.
my pen and a journal.
 
 most of what I write about our health situations
 {including this latest MS journey}
 stems from a place deep inside my heart.
 
so, thank-you for listening, for reading, for loving.
i am often boggled that people would ever even read what i write -
it never seems overly interesting to me -
but, thanks.
 
 
here's the rest of the story.
 
 --

i've seen 2 different neurologists.
I've had a lot of testing done.
lots.
 
we've ruled out basically everything else my symptoms could possibly be -
from the simple stuff like vitamin deficiencies to the serious stuff like strokes.
 
what we do know is that it's not anything else.

at my last neurology appointment -
where, as we were walking into the building my entire left arm and leg went instantly weak
{kinda ironic?}
the neurologist, an MS specialist,
said that it does seem like MS.
the symptoms are presenting like MS symptoms.
my very first MRI was indicative of MS.

in her words,
Multiple Sclerosis is a real possibility.
there are likely no other possibilities.

my c-spine {neck} MRI came back clear.
 this does NOT mean that it's not MS
{as I've heard some people have thought}.

it DOES mean that if it indeed IS MS,
the disease is not advanced.
which, is good.
 
in a week we'll {hopefully} have some more solid answers.

as for me?
i'm doing okay.
a month ago i was on the verge of panic.
sheer and utter panic.

but now?
i'm okay. really.
almost weirdly okay.
i don't know if it's just the fact that it's been awhile since my last appointment,
or if the peace that passes all understanding is guarding my heart and mind.
probably both.

because, you know what?
this is what I wrote in an email to my sweet husband,
who's been ever-supportive,
at very early in the morning after we got the initial MRI results indicative of MS:

I've been telling myself all night (barely slept!) that what I believed about God yesterday is the same today.  He is ever-present in the time of trouble.  He has created good works for me to do, and his grace is so very sufficient.
that email?
it's so true today.
whatever news i get from the neurologist in a week
{be it an official diagnosis, an official non-diagnosis, or just a wait-and-see situation}
will not change what I believe about God.
{that He is all-powerful, all-Knowing, all-Sovereign}

for, His plans are to prosper, not to harm me, and to give me hope and a future.
 
may I love not my life, even unto death.
revelation 12:11

...And Nothing But the Truth

grant and grace. {5 and 3!}

-----

 

Over the past couple of months

 I've written about my latest health situation.

I know I've been vague.

Partly out of privacy, 

and partly because it takes awhile

 to process the possibility of a degenerative neurological disease.

I've had lots of people asking recently,

and i know so many of my friends care so much.

thank-you.

{truly}.

with all of our families' health situations over the past couple of years sometimes I feel like we are going to wear our friends out with yet another health crises, 

so i have been so incredibly humbled and encouraged 

by all of my friends whom have sent flowers, cards, texts and Starbucks gift cards.

{coffee gift cards? these dear friends know me well}

lots of people have asked for an update, 

and i've realized that lots of people know just bits and pieces, 

so....

here's {part 1} of the whole story.

the whole truth and nothing but the truth, okay?

---

Two months in a row I had some very weird "episode-like" symptoms

of left-sided tingling and weakness.

the first time it happened we thought it seemed like even perhaps a stroke,

but the symptoms disappeared and life went on...

...went on until about a month later the symptoms returned, 

and returned with a vengeance.

i had serious left-sided tingling, numbness, and intense weakness.

left-leg weakness to the point of feeling like i needed a cane.

so, we called the dr.

the results were not what we expected.

---

my favorite 5-year-old.

 {2 months ago}

The white paper crinkled beneath me as I sat high on the doctor's table.

The specialist walked in the room, smiled at me. we exchanged polite pleasantries. 

She sat down. She skipped over any questions about my symptoms - 

{one-sided weaknes and tingling}- and pulled out the MRI report.  

So, your MRI came back.  

my heart paused, waiting, ready.

She continued, speaking words that did not make sense. 

It shows a lesion, and says demyelinating plaque cannot be excluded.

I was confused.

 She contiued.  

It's indicative of multiple sclerosis.

In a life-changing instant never to be forgotten, I sharply sucked my breath in. my heart beat faster.  The doctor continued talking but I couldn't hear it.. 

 

I turned to my husband sitting int the chair next to me.  

My eyes wide, I mouthed  

 

multiple sclerosis?!?

---

to be continued.

my sweet, supportive husband

Happy Easter

We serve a Risen Savior.

amen?

amen.

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.

 

Because He lives, All fear is gone!

Because I know He holds the future

And life is worth the living just because He lives!

 My life..

all my messy, complicated life -

it's worth the living

just because He lives.

I have hope for this life -

hope that even in the midst of uncertainty with health situations,

in the midst of ministry,

in the midst of parenting little kids -

hope for abundant joy,

unexplainable peace. 

Just because He lives.

Happy Resurrection Day, Indeed.

 

Sparkly Purses.

this morning,

i found Grace's pink sparkly-handled purse

{that she had been carrying around all morning}.

in it?

a pony.

her "lipstick" that is her new obsession 

{and which the promise of a new one totally gets us through a grocery trip}

 

and a yellow and blue rubber ball.

because a girl never knows when she'll need a bouncy ball, right?

---

and, as I cleaned up her purse contents,

i had a flash-forward of about 13 years.

of her carrying a real purse.

coming in the door, plopping it on the table with the rest of cute teenage-girl-ish stuff.

i envisioned her texting her girlfriends,

doing homework,

complaining about boys.

going to sports practice,

youth group,

service projects.

and, my heart stopped.

this little baby girl of mine?

she's growing too fast.

{as is your child, I'm sure}.

since we can't slow time down,

over the past few months I've tried to be even more

 deliberately intentional with these gifts of ours.

{the possibility of a neurological disease will do that, I'm sure..

..if i won't be able to walk in 20 years, you better believe 

i want to be able to say that when I could walk, 

i ran with the kids, kicked a soccer ball, peddled a bike,

 every single time i could.}

so, today?

i hold her when she wants to be held.

i cry with her over whatever's wrong in her almost-3-year-old world.

i give her snacks, at maybe not snack time.

 i let her wear her crazy colorful boots when she wants to.

because really?

the stuff that frustrates me day-to-day?

like spilled cereal and laundry piles

and dirty bathrooms and dishes to wash?

it doesn't matter.

it.does.not.matter.

connecting with my kids?

being kind and tenderhearted towards them?

pointing them towards our Savior?

that matters.

i pray to that i do it better and better each day, with each new phase we enter into with its new challenges.  i pray i pursue kindness towards them, pursue tenderheartedness. pursue love, compassion, gentleness.

{and i pray you do, too.}