Saturday Night

{and this is on my heart these past few weeks.}

 

 

 

...My grace is sufficient for you...

2 Corinthians 12:2

Established.

 

warm cup of coffee in hand, 

i sat in the dimmed light.

thankful for a few early moments of quiet,

i went before the throne of grace with confidance.

asking for mercy and grace.

pleading for mercy and grace.

{hebrews 4:16}

mercy on a week that's already been too long.

grace on our family that's finding a new rhythm with a now non-napping toddler.

i walk away, refreshed.

the crepe paper streamers from yesterday's make-shift parade are still strewn about.

the cushions are still piled high from our forever fort-building.

the 2-year-old will still not take a nap.

but still, i am refreshed.

re-focused on the greatness of our God.

today, i breathe deeply,

aiming to love well.

and if not well, at least better than I have been loving this week.

----

Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us,
   and establish the work of our hands upon us;
   yes, establish the work of our hands! 

psalms 90

today, may the work of my hands, of your hands -

whether it be in the office, or at home with littles,

{be it networking, problem-solving, or cutting peanut butter sandwiches}

be established.

to His glory forever and ever.

2011 Reflections

We are {already!} two weeks into 2012.

Over the past couple of weeks as I've sat in the early morning hours with my ever-present coffee-with-lots-of-cream and my Bible,

{while missing my sparkly white twinkling lights from our Christmas tree 

that I sat next to the whole month of December!}

I've reflected on 2011, and I've thought a lot about Joshua.

you see, he was the leader of the Israelites when, after 40 years of wandering in the desert, the Lord parted the Jordan river and allowed them to cross into the Promised Land.

After they had crossed over, Joshua commanded them to take 12 stones and build a memorial.

a public testimony of the power of God.

a reminder of God's goodness, mercy, and faithfulness to them.

As 2011 came to a close, my heart has reflected on God's goodness and faithfulness to us personally throughout the 12 months.

Some of the months got long.

{like all of last spring? whoa. it was long, folks}.

Some of the months were sweet and easy.

however, through out it all, God was faithful. merciful. kind. provisionary.

----

I spent the first two weeks of February in East Africa.

i loved it. a whole lot.

{and will get back on a plane in a heart beat as soon as the Lord tells me to go}

As we prayed about whether or not I should go on that trip to Uganda, I wrote out a list of four reasons that made me not want to go. four things that the Lord had to work out for me.

And you know what?

as I prayed and read the Word, seeking His direction,

the Lord answered every.single.one. of those four reasons.

2011 Memorial Stone #1.

God heard my prayers.

He answered. in very specific, very tangible ways.

-----

When I got off that plane from Africa, Matt and Grant met me at the airport.

Grant's leg pain had culminated while I was gone, and that day in the airport?

he refused to walk.

to climb into a chair.

to get into his carseat.

the little man was hurting.

a few weeks later and several doctors visits later, he remained undiagnosed, and yet his symptoms mirrored the childhood leukemia checklist.

as I stood in our upstairs hallway after tucking Grant in one night,

I cried. and cried some more. and clung to Matt, and we cried out to God together.

i pleaded for no leukemia.

but in all, I pleaded for the right doctors at the right time.

and just a week later a super-specialist got us in,

got Grant checked out,

his symptoms under control,

and made the very clear diagnosis of *just* juvenile arthritis.

thank God.

2011 Memorial Stone #2.

the very best doctor for Grant.

one of the best hospitals in the nation.

exactly when we needed it

God came through.

and He has continued to,

with just the right medicines for our sweet boy,

exactly when we need them.

----

a few months later I sat next to a hospital bed with our sweet baby girl.

I will always remember the moment when the ER doctor took one look at her, then looked at me and said

prepare to stay.

she was sick.

really, really sick.

late that night

I was exhausted.

physically, emotionally.

Grace wasn't sleeping, and was in a serious amount of pain from one of her super strong antibiotics.

I sent a text to a couple of my late-night-friends.

pray. right now. please, pray.

they did.

ten minutes later the on-call doctor happened to call Grace's nurse.

upon hearing Grace's condition, he immediately ordered some medicine to calm her down.

and then, with her in her itty hospital gown, hooked up to wires, laying on me in her white-sheeted-hospital bed, we slept together.

and I praised God for his provision. and prayed for her to not get worse.

and three days later,

we were home.

2011 Memorial Stone #3.

our baby girl had toxic shock syndrome.

but God allowed her ENT to extraordinarily quickly recognize her symptoms and get us seen.

praise be to God.

-----

2011 was a big year for us.

We {clearly} dealt with a lot of health issues.

as I head into 2012, I build these memorial stones, just like the Israelites did.

come what may in 2012, may I never forget that through some very, very hard situations,

God has proven over and over and over again that

He.is.faithful.

and He will continue to be through out whatever the next year may hold.

if I may be honest for a moment,

I do get kinda nervous about what health issues we'll face in 2012.

but I remind myself of God's very specific direction in our lives,

and I {try} go into 2012 confidant, bold, ready.

at the very least, I go into this New Year trusting in the One who knows what new trials we will face.

Whatever the Lord has for my life,

may I be worthy.

Be a workman not ashamed.

be competent to complete the good works He's prepared in advance for me to do.

and in all,

may my life reflect more Glory to our King.

Happy 2012, everyone.

May your year be full of God's faithfulness, too.

Preparations

5 years ago tonight I was sitting in a hospital bed 

at 35 weeks 6 days pregnant with our firstborn.

we thought we'd have several days left.

{not knowing overnight his heart rate would begin to decelerate to scary levels}

I was prepared for a several day induction process.

Matt was even going home to get a few things, 

not knowing he'd be called in a panic to come back to the hospital

right.this.instant.

tonight?

we have different kind of preparations happening.

before he went to bed,

my sweet last-day-of-being-four-year-old told me

Mom. Be sure to put the decorations up while I'm sleeping.

of course, buddy. of course. 

how could I ever forget?

you were my first born.

with you I learned how to nurse and swaddle and swing 

and cuddle and love.

with you I learned that in a mother's heart, their babies will always be just that-

babies.  

in my heart, Grant Owen, 

you will forever be that 7 pound 1 ounce bundle 

that they put next to me in the operating room.

you will forever be that baby that liked to swing at the fastest rate possible.

you will forever be that toddler that zoomed tractors and combines every.single.day.

{you will forever be my baby boy.}

tomorrow you will run around with your friends, 

play Transformers and dart guns, 

and blow out a big sparkly green number 5 candle.

and as that candle blows out, my heart will ache a little bit more.

ache for the baby you were.

ache for the sweet, sweet boy you're becoming.

Grant Owen,

we prayed for you for many years.

the Lord truly Granted our request.

you are very, very loved.

Advent

Tuesday evening.

our sweet, finally-getting-over-all-forms-of-sickness kiddos are asleep.

Grant, in all his fatigue, was passed out early.

I sit with [decaf] dunkin donuts coffee brewing 

and {don't judge} heavy whipping cream awaiting it.

{totally in love with holiday baking that leaves real cream left over for my coffee}

today I played the Goodnight Moon game about 74 times with my favorite almost-5-year-old.

I scoured the house for a pink hairbow for my favorite, insistent-2-year-old that commandeers all my pony tail holders for bracelets.

{our sweet, cuddly, a-tad-obsessive Gracie}

{grace, who's holding her necessary hairbow}

and today, as our Christmas Advent Calendar nears single digits, 
my heart still reflects on how to truly honor Christ in this season.

In this whole fun, busy, stressful, whirlwhind of a season,
does my heart, my attitude, my speech, 
{my life}

honor the baby in a manger?

and if it does 
{and oh, how I long for it to}

how do I reflect that to my family?

to the cashier at Target who was, well, honestly, slow.

and I was in a hurry. 
with a toddler on the brink of making a fast escape 
and streaking through the candy section.

If Jesus is truly the reason for my season, my life should be different. 
Especially the month we're celebrating Him.

my checkbook should look different, the way I handle Holiday stresses should look different, the way I handle kids who want to play but come-on-don't-they-know-I-have-things-to-do situations should look different.

and in all, I've concluded, they should be marked by love.

For even if we give away all we have,

{even to charities and needy kids}

even if we have all faith and all knowledge

{and know the history of Luke and can tell the Nativity story better than anyone}

Even if our house is the prettiest and decorations the best 
and our baking the most impressive...

even in all,

if I have not loved in the process,

i.gain.nothing.

nothing.

As our Advent Calendar gets closer, I pause.

I attempt to love harder, more deeply.

to give more freely and more richly.

Love God, Love others.

richly.

Give.

My heart.

My time, my life, my energy.

Richly.

I will embrace the business of this season as an avenue to love.

After all,

that's what it's all about, right?

----------

...Of all the commandments,

which is the most important?

You shall love the Lord with all your heart...

you shall love your neighbor as yourself.

Mark 12

breathing.

Right now,

{I kinda smell like throw-up}.

it was naptime.

We were rocking.

and then coughing.

and then throw up.

And with that, my day changed.

these will wait.

the crazy mounds of laundry will get folded

{shirt by shirt}

eventually.

i sigh.

for a moment,

i wish.

to not step over legos.

to not go from sickness-to-sickness.

to sleep.

to make a phone call.

but then,

this.

and i realize.

i realize that when the day comes that i'm not stepping over legos.

the dishes and laundry are done.

the cushions are always on the couch.

when that day comes?

my heart will ache for these days.

so, for now?

i will shower the throw up off, rock the baby girl, and breathe.

----

a friend introduced me to the Extraordinary Ordinary's Just Write.

love it. 

and love my friend Love.

A wednesday.

It's a Wednesday.

Grant's super excited because he's now officially earned 

four way-cool Transformers from his star charts.

for stuff like staying in bed at bedtime, listening super-well to mom, 

and sharing with Grace.

Grace is in her bed.

notice she's in her bed, not napping.

The Houdini herself can get out of every.single.way I tape/wrap/finagle her clothes onto her for nap.  And thus she keeps herself awake.

and thus I've cleaned up more than a few messes suitable for a hazmat squad.

so, as she's in her crib, I review for my Bible study tonight.

our last night in Colossians.

----

...Be steadfast in prayer...
{be courageously persistent in prayer, hold fast and not let go!}

 Colossians 4:2

My heart was challenged this week by the above passage and the parable in Luke 11.

What are you praying for today?

What are you praying for that seems unanswered?

Luke 11 tells us to keep on praying.  don't stop.  don't stop by an answer that seems like "no".

"...because of his persistence he will rise and give him whatever he needs..."

verse 8 of Luke 11

As we approach Orphan Sunday, a topic that's so close to my heart that I can barely even write about on this little blog of mine with out just breaking down and crying, I will keep on keeping on praying for the 147 million orphans in this world.  that go to bed with out someone to put clean, soft, fresh jammies on them. with out someone to rock them and hold them close.  with out someone to kiss their boo-boos and love them forever.  

Those are the orphans I pray for.

every.single.day.

and my unanswered prayer today? that I will keep on keeping on praying for?

for a sweet, sweet boy in Ug@nda who I will forever love and plead justice for.

pray with me, will you?

-----

The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

James 5:17

Just as I am

5 years ago this fall I was pregnant with this ridiculously sweet baby boy.

He was nameless at the time, though several names were high on my list.

Lincoln, Pierce, Anderson, William.

We discussed it lots.

got nowhere lots.

He was {finally} named about a week before he was born.

Grant Owen.

Fast forward two years...

 ...and our beautiful baby girl was nameless.

At 33 weeks, when the perinatologist left the room after deciding to do an emergency c-section, Matt and I looked at each other and said she needs a name, huh?

Grace Abigail it was.

So, after having our kiddos barely named when they were born, 

it's only fitting that after more than 5 years of blogging,

I finally settle on a blog name I love. 

Just as I am.

---------

It's the name that's been in my heart for awhile, 

but I hadn't been able to put words to it.

This blog, although at times to me it just seems like a silly little place where I write,  is truly my heart on paper.

My heart for my husband.

My heart for my kids.

My heart for our Savior.

I get humbled and blessed when people read this, my heart, comment, and say nice words...

for really, it's just me.

My night-owl-self.

my shoe-loathing, flip-flop-loving self.

my must-need-coffee self.
my heart-aches-for-orphans self.

my sometimes loud, need to think-before-i-speak self.

my broken, inadequate, humbled-before-God self.

This blog?

it's Just as I am.

Just as I am..

going through life, doing the absolute best job I can to love my husband well.

to love my children well. 

to love my Savior with my all of my heart, soul, and mind, and to love my neighbor as my self.

that's what I pray for for my life. every.single.day.

I fail. a lot. 

i doubt my Savior's plan. i get impatient with the kids.

but I repent, confess, and pray for Supernatural ability to do it better the next time.

Just as I am.

a midwestern girl at heart,

a sinner who placed her trust in Christ,

who longs to leave a legacy to her children and her children's children.

a legacy of love. of serving. of radical, life-changing love and service to our Savior.

---------


Just as I am, thy love unknown
hath broken every barrier down; 
now, to be thine, yea thine alone, 
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

What I Would Say

{What I Would Say Today}

If I weren't so worried about offending.

--------

Love your kids. a lot.

play with them. pray with them.

laugh with them.

give up the laundry and play combines with them.

be nicer to them. be kinder to them. 

stop complaining about them.

they're only little once.

Be really, really gracious with your little ones.

We're called to be {tender-hearted}.

ephesians 4

why do we get the harshest with the littlest ones in our lives?

------

Grant had big tears in the grocery yesterday because he wanted a donut.

I caught myself wanting to tell him it was fine and to stop.

i paused and gathered myself.

and then knelt down right in the middle of the bakery section and hugged him close.

and told him i loved him, and I know it's sad when we don't get what we want.

because I have, for sure, cried out to God before when I'm disappointed.

does He harshly tell me to get over it and pull myself together?

no way.

He quiets me with His Love.

Zephaniah 3

---

{What I Would Say Today...}

if I weren't worried about offending

Love your family well.  

Love others well.

even radically.

today, choose to be radically patient and kind to the littles in your life.

to the bigs in your life.

{they will know us by our love.}

john 13

today, be kind in your words.

patient in your actions.

These little ones of ours are given Divinely to us.

today, i will embrace my 2-year-old's independence.

i will hug her when she freaks out, 

knowing how many times the Lord has scooped me up into His Loving arms when I am spiritually weary.

today, choose grace.

grace for your kids.

I will be compassionate  the midst of all potential 2-and-4-year-old-drama.

grace for yourself.

 i will not be frustrated that our guest bedroom is a laundry explosion.

and in choosing grace for our kids, 

remember that we model for them the Parent who committed the Ultimate Act of Grace.

do it well.

John 3:16

Thursday Morning

it's Thursday morning.

Since our schedule is a bit different than most, with my husband working on Sundays,

Thursdays are usually family days.  But, his schedule is a bit different this week since he hasn't felt well.

so, the kiddos and I are hanging out this morning.  I'm playing trains and legos and superstructs! and basically keeping Grace from climbing everything. it's great. we needed a down day! where I should be doing laundry, but somehow get caught up in, well, life.
and trains are so much more important anyway, right?

so, if we had a coffee playdate together this morning,

{grande nonfat latte for me}

what would you share with me?

I'd tell you how much this sweet girl

thinks all of her stuffed animals are hungry.

Moo eat!

I'd tell you how thankful I am that it's fall and how much I am loving this weather. how I really need to go to the grocery store. how silly excited I am for the premiere of Grey's Anatomy tonight.

I'd tell you how I'm loving our new church's Bible study on Colossians, and how the Lord is seriously teaching me about how Christ is the head of the body {the church} 

and how that makes us His hands and His feet.

and how challenged I am to make sure I'm living out His purpose for me. 

not the purpose I think I need to be doing. 

His purpose may look different than what I thought it would, 

{like my friend who's in Ug*nda right now bringing her 2 older boys home!},

but that's okay.  His plan and purpose are best. always.

 So, as I play trains and rock to sleep and try to get some laundry folded, I remind myself that I'm truly the hands and feet of Jesus. 

And I'd tell you that I hope that I'm doing that with all my heart. 

And by that point, I'd need another cup of coffee.