like grains of sand in the palm of my hand,
I can almost feel the time slipping through my fingers.
it's slipping so hard and so fast that the tighter I squeeze the faster it goes.
it goes and goes and goes,
and my heart cries and tears come.
the time goes.
the last few months of having my baby-girl be a semblance of {baby}.
she turns 6 in a few short months, and from our oldest son,
i know that 5-to-6, Kindergarten-to-first-grade
makes them grow up. a lot. from little kid to {big kid}.
 |
| a sweet throwback to 3-year-old gracie, the age she is in my heart. |
it's a heartache I know all parents know,
but my heart aches even more,
as I never knew she'd be our last one.
until last July 14, when the hard and fast adoption laws sealed our fate,
and ended my dreams of a larger family.
it's a new reality,
and I'm trusting in the Lord's sovereignty more than ever before.
I'm trying to embrace the qualities of having slightly-older-kiddos.
qualities like sleep. a slightly more picked-up house. the ability to drink my coffee while it's {mostly} still warm. seeing them develop a sibling relationship.
being able to do fun, fun kid activities and have them actually enjoy them and me not just be exhausted from the effort of *getting there*.
but my heart hurts for the days of littler kids, days that I didn't know would be our last until too late.
my heart aches for shopping in the toddler department, signing up for preschool classes, playing in sensory bins, and rocking sweet babies to sleep in fuzzy, footed jammies.
I'd like to think I would have cherished those days a bit more had I known they'd be our last.
in my heart of hearts, I thought Miles would be in our family.
but now that our decision of being a family of 4 has been made for us,
the Lord's soveriengty rules my heart more than ever before.
although I think my heart will always ache,
I trust in truth.
truth as in
...the boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places...
...no good thing does He withold from those whose walk is blameless...
...all things work for good...
so, perhaps we'll be able to minister to families that also have their child-bearing years end on a "bad" note. perhaps someone, somewhere, will be encouraged to be radical with their faith and orphans, no matter what the journey will hold. perhaps my MS will progress rapidly in the years to come, and it will be a blessing in disguise that we have {only} 2 children to care for.
There are reasons in the heartache, reasons we will never see.
as a dear mentor told me recently,
nothing happens for nothing.
so, I'm trusting that He, in a way that only our All-Sovereign, All-Mighty Savior can do,
will work my heartache for good.
and For His Glory.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
I've been thinking this over, too, and struggling a bit. My pregnancy with Jude was difficult and his first year was so overwhelming. I hate to have this whole stage end on a bad note. But I'm not sure I want to risk going through all of that again...I'm not sure we could even get pregnant again...I'm not sure I can really handle one more. I've been trying to make peace with things as they are at this stage and enjoy them without dwelling in the uncertainties of wondering. Whether we ever end up with another child or not, I want to enjoy and embrace THIS part as fully as possible.
Thank you for sharing your heart. I also have MS, struggle with infertility and have lost an adoption. We do not have children, yet. But the large family I dreamt of for so long seems like a distant dream at this point. I'd just like one or two, now. Mostly because of being diagnosed with MS, and like you said, not knowing if my symptoms will progress later in life. Thank you for sharing your heart. His boundaries have fallen in pleasant places and we can continue to trust in His great love and His many promises! God is so good!
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