2 years ago today I had my 2nd D &C. Although time has {mainly} healed my heart and hurt, the pain of pregnancy loss will always be there. A part of my heart will always reflect, always hurt, always wish that the road to having children could have been smoother for us.
I wanted to share this with you this morning:
This is a message I sent to a friend of mine shortly after our loss 2 years ago. My friend loved me, supported me, and prayed for me well during this loss.
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Three months ago today I found out I was pregnant with our fourth baby. We were on vacation in Dallas, and it had been a wonderful trip. We visited with some of our best friends in the world...friends that had loved on us and supported us during our first 2 miscarriages and the succeeding infertility. We sat around with our friends, catching up, chatting, laughing, drinking delicious coffee...it was refreshing for our souls.
The morning after an especially wonderful visit with some friends,
{whom themselves dealt with infertility and conceived through IVF}
I took a pregnancy test.
It was positive, and I was so deeply thrilled.
It seemed to be the perfect ending for a perfect vacation.
We told our parents after Matt's surprise 30th birthday party. Everyone had been sitting around and talking, and in closing the evening Matt said some nice words for our parents, and then said that Grant was going to be a big brother. They were thrilled, we were thrilled.
I spent one delightful month dreaming over Pottery Barn Baby catalog's, envisioning pink walls and fru-fru clothes...Matt and I were so very, very excited.
Here's an entry from my prayer journal, when I was 6w4d pregnant:
I am so so so incredibly excited about this pregnancy. Still not believing it's true, but excited at the same time!! I'm more excited that I was with Grant, even - I think because I *know* how wonderful being pregnant is (hyperemesis and pre-eclampsia and all!), how wonderful having children is, and I am so in awe that the Lord has allowed me to experience it again.
That said, I'm trying to just savor every moment of this pregnancy...take in everyone's reactions, remember the moment I told Matt. It's just so wonderfully surreal.
On Tuesday, May 30th our world changed.
at 13 weeks, the ultrasound showed there was no heartbeat.
Josie Hope Walker blessed our lives for the short time she was with us. Josie means "God will enlarge" - which I just love, because in this pain and grief, my only prayer is that somehow, in some Divine way, God can enlarge this tragic situation
and use it for His Divine purposes.
And Hope, because for the 6 weeks I knew I was pregnant, she gave us such incredible hope...hope that my body can actually do this quickly!, hope for a sibling for Grant
...hope for the future.
Thank-you, for being excited with me when I told you I was pregnant, for crying with me when we got un-anticipated news, and for listening as I've grieved, mourned, cried, and have started the road to healing. I am touched that you have cared for me so much. Thank-you for walking through this with me...thank-you for letting me share her life with you.
So...in loving memory of Josie Hope. May her life be a blessing, in whatever way it may be.
Everytime I reflect back on all you went through with the miscarriages, Grant and Grace become even more precious. They truly are miracles, more than most people will ever understand.
With tears in my eyes I again felt my pain and your pain as I read through your post. God Bless you ANNA and MATTHEW !
Anna - thank you for writing this out. I hadn't realized or had forgotten you had this miscarriage. I think God brought me to your blog because this was specifically what I needed to hear this weekend/week.
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