Late Monday Night

beautiful flowers sent from a dear friend.


it's almost midnight.

I sit with the washer and drying hum-hum-humming in the next room 

and piles of folded towels on the table.

i'm not usually up this late doing laundry 

{though sometimes I probably should be!}

--

about 2 months ago, I wrote this on my blog:

if I may be honest for a moment,

I do get kinda nervous about what health issues we'll face in 2012.

but I remind myself of God's very specific direction in our lives,

and I {try} go into 2012 confidant, bold, ready.

at the very least, I go into this New Year trusting in the One who knows what new trials we will face.

----

well, over the past few weeks, we've found out what some of the new health issues may be.

and ya know?

i'm kinda thinking that health issues may be our thorn in the flesh, 

as the apostle Paul put it.

it's just kinda one thing after the other in our family.
but ya know?
it's okay.
it's truly, truly okay.

because I trust in the One who knows the future.
whose Plan is far greater than I could ever imagine.
who has time and time again shown Himself faithful to our family.
especially in the midst of health crises.
  -
so, I go back to folding laundry.
i've got 2 hours left to stay awake before this crazy sleep-deprived EEG.
who knows what these test results may bring -
hopefully as something as innocuous as weird migraines as suggested by the neurologist -
but at least I can trust the One who already knows the results.

and, well, at least my laundry will be folded.

song

As I sit down at the computer,

things to write about in mind and on my heart,

Grace comes pitter-pattering into the office.

{pink fuzzy jammies, messy hair, messier face}

she comes to me and lays her head on my lap.

as i start to type,

i hear her little voice.

she starts to sing.

i pause, thinking i recognize the melody.

she's too little. how does she know all those words?

i start to type again.

head on my lap, she keeps singing.

{it's unmistakable}.

"...all the children of the world.

red, yellow, black, white

they precious His site.

Jesus loves little children world"

my heart pauses. i am stunned.

as i rock her to sleep at night, 

thinking of a very special little boy in Africa that I wish I could rock to sleep nightly,

i sing that song.

kiss her on the forehead.

I love you, Gracie-girl,

but Jesus loves you more

and into her crib she goes.

I've never heard her sing it back to me.

wherever you're at today, whatever you're doing,

Jesus loves you.

even my 2-year-old knows it.

believe it. live it.

----

We love because he first loved us.

i john 4:19

the sweet singing Grace.

Sparkle On

Our Mondays are usually pretty mellow.

because our Sundays pretty much wear us out.

{wear us out in the best way possible}

So, today we glittered and glued and sparkled and shined.

I let Grace squeeze and shake and paint and smear 

all by herself, 

as much as she wanted to,

even though there was serious Operation Clean Up afterwards.

because sometimes,

a girl's just gotta have some sparkle.

right?

{hope your Monday was sparkly, too.}

Tuesday.

so, I've been quiet recently.

not because I don't have words overflowing inside of me that I've wanted to write,

but because my camera's {my beloved Nikon!} been broken.

{my photos have looked like this.}

and, for some reason,

i cannot write with out photos.

but, for whatever reason for which I am grateful,

my camera is working again.

whew.

so, it's my afternoon Diet Coke break time.

{i'll switch to coffee soon.}

my favorite newly-turned-5-year-old is playing with his quiet time toys.

{and this beautiful girl}

is napping because she is crazy sick with a nasty kidney infection.

doing an ultrasound of her kidneys as well as a upper and lower back x-ray soon

to see why she's getting kidney infections as well as {hopefully} figure out the cause of the back pain she's been complaining about for a couple of months.

as soon as I hit [publish post] I'm going to tackle some of the kitchen disaster and start 

the Pioneer Woman's Perfect Pot Roast for supper.

{even my mostly vegetarian self likes it}

so, that's my Tuesday.  

i love staying at home with my kids.

truly.

i've talked with several other mommy-friends recently 

who struggle with their stay-at-home-mom-ness.

it is a hard position.

i get it.

it can sometimes feel like a shot in the dark.

and, yes, sometimes it's just so hard.

so hard to be loving and patient and kind all.the.time 

to little people who are whiny, crying, and just so needy all.the.time.

but i guess I just think it's so very, very worth it.

it's an opportunity to invest so deeply into a few little lives.

i mean,

our kiddos could be the next Chuck Swindoll. or Mother Teresa.  

or congressman. or missionary.

or the next father who loves his family really, really well, 

and serves His Savior really, really well.

that was one of my New Year's Resolutions -

to be even more intentional with these kiddos.

  {and to be even more intentional with my own life.}

for, as they see me serve, love, and honor my Savior, 

hopefully they will, too.

so, that's my Tuesday.

even in my running clothes, bed unmade, dishes undone,

I'll take it.

for this is the day the Lord has made.

{i will rejoice in it.}

On Seizing the Day

I crawled my way  through a blown-up bounce-house obstacle course, with my sweet {not-so-baby} girl laughing at my heels. we collided at the bottom of the slide and  Gracie-girl burst into that irresistible toddler-belly-laughter that always makes me want to scoop her up and squeeze her tight and laugh with her forever.

today, we laughed hard and played hard, 

chasing each other through the numerous bounce-house-contraptions at the indoor playland.  

{and, goodness, i am not as young as i used to be!}

one of those afternoons that makes you want to stop time for a moment

and just relish in the sweetness of your children.

-----

there's an article that my mom-friends have been circulating recently.

i agree, to an extent.

i do.

when those sweet grandmotherly figures smile at my frazzled self and my mis-matched toddler with pigtails askew who may or may not have shoes, socks, or undewear on,

and then proceeds to tell me how blessed i am and to enjoy every second,

i smile kindly at her,

but kinda roll my eyes and shake my head 

while feeding the toddler her 47th m&m of the morning 

just to get through the check out.

so, i get it. I know that every moment of every day 

{or every week, or every month}

is not going to be those stop-in-time-moments where you bask in your child's sweetness.

but when that grandmotherly figure stops you in Target and tells you to seize the day because they're gone so fast

you know what I really think they're saying?

I think they're saying that in those in-between-moments -

in those every-day life moments of wiping up cheerios from the floor,

doing the eighteenth load of laundry for the day and having it sit in the washer so long you have to re-run the load,

cleaning up the fourth bathroom accident and giving the third bath for the day -

in those moments

be less frustrated. less irritated. yell less - well, really, stop yelling at all.

handle all of those in-between-moments with more grace and kindness - the way you'd like someone to handle those moments of your life when you've made a mess of some relationship and are trying to clean it up.

the grandmotherly figure is really saying to

stop getting on your child for doing childish things.

clean up the third cup of spilled milk with out yelling about it.

linger over books at bedtime and give into those one-more-hug bedtime requests.

stop telling your child to hurry up even if you have no reason to hurry.

smile more. love more. hug more. rock more. cuddle more.

that's what I think she's saying.

because those stop-the-time moments are few and far between, 

and it's the every-day moments that make up life.

so, yes, *I* am seizing the day.

carpe diem, bring it on.

even if the day brings more bathroom accidents and sibling fighting than anticipated,

i'm seizing it.

doing my best to handle those moments with grace, wisdom, and kindness.

because these moments?

they'll be gone far too soon,

and i know that when i'm not tripping over legos in the middle of the night,

i'll miss it.

carpe diem, mommy-friends, carpe diem.

--

grace abigail, 2.5, in her ever-present slightly-askew state.

Established.

 

warm cup of coffee in hand, 

i sat in the dimmed light.

thankful for a few early moments of quiet,

i went before the throne of grace with confidance.

asking for mercy and grace.

pleading for mercy and grace.

{hebrews 4:16}

mercy on a week that's already been too long.

grace on our family that's finding a new rhythm with a now non-napping toddler.

i walk away, refreshed.

the crepe paper streamers from yesterday's make-shift parade are still strewn about.

the cushions are still piled high from our forever fort-building.

the 2-year-old will still not take a nap.

but still, i am refreshed.

re-focused on the greatness of our God.

today, i breathe deeply,

aiming to love well.

and if not well, at least better than I have been loving this week.

----

Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us,
   and establish the work of our hands upon us;
   yes, establish the work of our hands! 

psalms 90

today, may the work of my hands, of your hands -

whether it be in the office, or at home with littles,

{be it networking, problem-solving, or cutting peanut butter sandwiches}

be established.

to His glory forever and ever.

Pantry Project

If you've been reading my blog for awhile, 

or if you actually know me in real life,

you know that I'm pretty laid-back.

sometimes, though, I'm a weird mixture of laid-back and type A. 

can you be a type A type B? 

When I want something done, I want it done *exactly* right.

like, all the hangers hanging a certain way in the closet.

towels and sheets folded the same direction.

it's weird. a little OCD, I know.

behind the piles of laundry and dishes,

i have an inner organizational side.

i really, really like things organized.

 a lot.

one of my new year's resolutions was that our house would reflect my inner-OCD-self.

so, with the pantry I began.

i can barely show you the before photo.

my OCD-side freaks out at it.

{and, this was definitely our pantry at its absolute worse}

but, with a deep breath I click upload:

 our pantry before

eek! it's bad, I know.

so,

after a few coats of paint.

{yes, I painted the pantry!}

and several trips to the Container store,

voila!

it's fabulous, isn't it?

i maybe keep the door open just to look at how pretty it is. 

and I think it makes the Gracie monster happy, too.

she at least gets her OCD-streak honestly, huh?

2011 Reflections

We are {already!} two weeks into 2012.

Over the past couple of weeks as I've sat in the early morning hours with my ever-present coffee-with-lots-of-cream and my Bible,

{while missing my sparkly white twinkling lights from our Christmas tree 

that I sat next to the whole month of December!}

I've reflected on 2011, and I've thought a lot about Joshua.

you see, he was the leader of the Israelites when, after 40 years of wandering in the desert, the Lord parted the Jordan river and allowed them to cross into the Promised Land.

After they had crossed over, Joshua commanded them to take 12 stones and build a memorial.

a public testimony of the power of God.

a reminder of God's goodness, mercy, and faithfulness to them.

As 2011 came to a close, my heart has reflected on God's goodness and faithfulness to us personally throughout the 12 months.

Some of the months got long.

{like all of last spring? whoa. it was long, folks}.

Some of the months were sweet and easy.

however, through out it all, God was faithful. merciful. kind. provisionary.

----

I spent the first two weeks of February in East Africa.

i loved it. a whole lot.

{and will get back on a plane in a heart beat as soon as the Lord tells me to go}

As we prayed about whether or not I should go on that trip to Uganda, I wrote out a list of four reasons that made me not want to go. four things that the Lord had to work out for me.

And you know what?

as I prayed and read the Word, seeking His direction,

the Lord answered every.single.one. of those four reasons.

2011 Memorial Stone #1.

God heard my prayers.

He answered. in very specific, very tangible ways.

-----

When I got off that plane from Africa, Matt and Grant met me at the airport.

Grant's leg pain had culminated while I was gone, and that day in the airport?

he refused to walk.

to climb into a chair.

to get into his carseat.

the little man was hurting.

a few weeks later and several doctors visits later, he remained undiagnosed, and yet his symptoms mirrored the childhood leukemia checklist.

as I stood in our upstairs hallway after tucking Grant in one night,

I cried. and cried some more. and clung to Matt, and we cried out to God together.

i pleaded for no leukemia.

but in all, I pleaded for the right doctors at the right time.

and just a week later a super-specialist got us in,

got Grant checked out,

his symptoms under control,

and made the very clear diagnosis of *just* juvenile arthritis.

thank God.

2011 Memorial Stone #2.

the very best doctor for Grant.

one of the best hospitals in the nation.

exactly when we needed it

God came through.

and He has continued to,

with just the right medicines for our sweet boy,

exactly when we need them.

----

a few months later I sat next to a hospital bed with our sweet baby girl.

I will always remember the moment when the ER doctor took one look at her, then looked at me and said

prepare to stay.

she was sick.

really, really sick.

late that night

I was exhausted.

physically, emotionally.

Grace wasn't sleeping, and was in a serious amount of pain from one of her super strong antibiotics.

I sent a text to a couple of my late-night-friends.

pray. right now. please, pray.

they did.

ten minutes later the on-call doctor happened to call Grace's nurse.

upon hearing Grace's condition, he immediately ordered some medicine to calm her down.

and then, with her in her itty hospital gown, hooked up to wires, laying on me in her white-sheeted-hospital bed, we slept together.

and I praised God for his provision. and prayed for her to not get worse.

and three days later,

we were home.

2011 Memorial Stone #3.

our baby girl had toxic shock syndrome.

but God allowed her ENT to extraordinarily quickly recognize her symptoms and get us seen.

praise be to God.

-----

2011 was a big year for us.

We {clearly} dealt with a lot of health issues.

as I head into 2012, I build these memorial stones, just like the Israelites did.

come what may in 2012, may I never forget that through some very, very hard situations,

God has proven over and over and over again that

He.is.faithful.

and He will continue to be through out whatever the next year may hold.

if I may be honest for a moment,

I do get kinda nervous about what health issues we'll face in 2012.

but I remind myself of God's very specific direction in our lives,

and I {try} go into 2012 confidant, bold, ready.

at the very least, I go into this New Year trusting in the One who knows what new trials we will face.

Whatever the Lord has for my life,

may I be worthy.

Be a workman not ashamed.

be competent to complete the good works He's prepared in advance for me to do.

and in all,

may my life reflect more Glory to our King.

Happy 2012, everyone.

May your year be full of God's faithfulness, too.

right now

Just about now,

we are celebrating the snow with warmed chocolate milk and left-over birthday party hats.

{celebrating the snow i love with the ones i love}

5th Birthday!

Last night, I was nostalgic.

reminiscing about hospitals and babies and celebrating and teeny tiny fingers and toes.

Tonight,

we partied.  

{The little sister partied hard}.

As Grant and his sweet, sweet 5-year-old friends ran around the house, 

my heart was so, so full.

for if five years ago, as I sat in my hospital bed, 

{incredibly groggy after an emergency c-section},

if I could have said what I hoped his 5th birthday would look like,

tonight would have been it.

 a handful of friends making pizza together,

playing tag,

singing to the birthday boy.

{even if he did get a bit shy during the song}.

it was so fitting, and so fun.

{at least, we had fun}

So, tonight, there was no room for nostalgia.

there was too much cake to eat!

the monster cake Grant wanted.

Grant Owen,

happy birthday little man.

----------

the verse on his birth announcement 5 years ago still fits.

The Lord has done great things for us,

and we are filled with joy. 

Psalm 126:3

Preparations

5 years ago tonight I was sitting in a hospital bed 

at 35 weeks 6 days pregnant with our firstborn.

we thought we'd have several days left.

{not knowing overnight his heart rate would begin to decelerate to scary levels}

I was prepared for a several day induction process.

Matt was even going home to get a few things, 

not knowing he'd be called in a panic to come back to the hospital

right.this.instant.

tonight?

we have different kind of preparations happening.

before he went to bed,

my sweet last-day-of-being-four-year-old told me

Mom. Be sure to put the decorations up while I'm sleeping.

of course, buddy. of course. 

how could I ever forget?

you were my first born.

with you I learned how to nurse and swaddle and swing 

and cuddle and love.

with you I learned that in a mother's heart, their babies will always be just that-

babies.  

in my heart, Grant Owen, 

you will forever be that 7 pound 1 ounce bundle 

that they put next to me in the operating room.

you will forever be that baby that liked to swing at the fastest rate possible.

you will forever be that toddler that zoomed tractors and combines every.single.day.

{you will forever be my baby boy.}

tomorrow you will run around with your friends, 

play Transformers and dart guns, 

and blow out a big sparkly green number 5 candle.

and as that candle blows out, my heart will ache a little bit more.

ache for the baby you were.

ache for the sweet, sweet boy you're becoming.

Grant Owen,

we prayed for you for many years.

the Lord truly Granted our request.

you are very, very loved.