When the Fear and Doubt Creep in

after I posted something on instagram (find me there @simplybeautiful100)
 -something about how we're dealing with a lot of medical issues at the moment, 

but I trust His ultimate purpose -

I had someone ask this:

I mean no offense by this at all, but how do you find it in your heart to trust so completely and with out doubt or fear? It's beautiful and inspiring, 

I just wish my heart would be as open and at peace as yours is..

 

And I want to say that Instagram and Facebook and even this blog are my highlight reels.

I post what I want to post, so you read what I want  you to read.  Not that what I post isn't true, but usually social media is the "ups" - not the massive amounts of laundry that I never do or the 4-year-old screaming on the floor or the amount of homeschool prep left or house to be cleaned.

 

{without doubt or fear?}

i could laugh. or cry.

if you only knew.

 

------

 

6 years ago

 

I laid on the white bed, the hospital gown covering me.

I tap-tap-tapped a text out on my old-style-flip-non-smart phone,

trying to calm my emotions and pass the time.

 

a friend called,

a dear, sweet, old friend.

 

I'm just so, so sorry, Anna.

she ended the conversation.

i'm so, so sorry,

tears coming for her and me,

we hung up.

 

they came to wheel me to the OR.

as we passed through the labor & delivery floor,

it was some special form of emotional torture to hear babies crying.

as I was headed for a d & c, a week after no heartbeat appeared on the ultrasound screen.

the physical pain of the procedure passed quickly, but the emotional pain lingered.

i hugged baby Grant, his toddler self patting my tears.

this third miscarriage was the hardest. we knew how fabulous children were and wanted more 

- so many more.

and I prayed. and prayed. and prayed.

and heard nothing.

I scoured my Bible for some sort of encouragement.

and heard nothing.

emotional drained,

i wondered where God was.

I LONGED to be one of those Christians filled with verses and belief and steadfastness.

i just wasn't.

 

 I doubted. 

I doubted my faith.

am I believing all the wrong thing?

is this actually going to help me?

is God actually listening?

 He doesn't care.

weeks passed.

the darkness of spiritual silence was closing in, threatening to suffocate my long-time faith.

God, where are you?

my heart cried out over and over.

that summer, 

I ran.

I ran harder and longer and faster than I've ever run before.

the pounding of the pavement became my therapy,

the music in my earbuds the song of my soul.

 

And after a few months of running hard and long -

besides being in the best shape of my life -

my spiritual life began to revive.

 

i realized that I was giving into my feelings.

feelings that God was silent, that God wasn't at work, that God had left me alone.

 

and though those feelings were legitimate, 

I chose to believe them rather than believe the truth of the Bible.

 

 ---------

One of the hardest and darkest times of my life,

losing a baby I named Josie Hope,

came a few years before I would walk through another very difficult season of medical diagnosis.

 

and those lessons I learned after the loss of Josie? 

i now had an opportunity to enact them.

and during the whole MS thing,

I chose to believe God when He says

{i am near the brokenhearted}

{be strong and courageous, for I am with you}

{Cast all your cares upon me, for I care for you}

 and now, in this season of one-thing-after-another -

even if some of it is small and not really earth-shattering, it's still 

{one.more.thing}

believe me,

i cry my overwhelmed tears.

i send friends texts, saying it's too much.

my heart cries out in the darkness of night,

i pray with all my heart as I lay next to a feverish baby,

and ultimately, I get myself together and choose to believe words like

i have loved you with an everlasting love.

i know the plans i have for you.

you will seek me and you will find me, when you seek me with all your heart.

call upon me and i will answer you.

so, that doubt and fear?

every day I wonder what the Lord is doing with our family.

so many medical issues in the past 4 months,

on top of trying to fly around the world to bring this beautiful boy,

{a boy we have held and loved and played soccer and taken swimming},

home.

 

of course I fear for the future.

if the past 4 months have been this hard what in the world will the next four bring?  What's really going on with Gracie? What's going on with my heart? will we all get better? Will we be able to take a vacation? I need the beach. ;-) Lord, get us better.  What will school look like next year?

 

but I stop myself.

be anxious for nothing. in everything, give thanks, and pray, 

and the peace of God will guard your hearts in Christ Jesus.

so, how do I trust so completely?

 

i don't really feel like I do, 

but I try.  when the worry and the doubt creep in,

i stop looking at my circumstances,

and start looking at my Savior.

for He is Bigger.  

always.  

He is Always bigger.

even when I don't feel like it.

-------

{my ways are not your ways, declares the Lord, and neither my thoughts are your thoughts}

MRI and Multiple Sclerosis

it happens every MRI.

that moment of panic.

complete panic.

i should be ready for it, 

but it takes me by surprise every time.

--

i lie still against the table,

at least a warm blanket upon me.

i grip the emergency-i-need-out-ball,

smiling at the tech who's making silly jokes that I know are silly and he knows are silly but what else are you going to say to someone who's getting an MRI?

before he leaves the room, 

he asks me if I'm okay.

i'm saying that i'm fine.

and, for that moment,

i am fine.

the face guard and neck positioner are clamped down.

my head and neck and shoulders cannot move,

a tangible reminder of how smothering this disease felt at first diagnosis.

the board slides back into the machine.

at first,  i'm calm.

and then the whir-whir-whirring  and knocking and banging of the MRI get to me.

and every vrr-vrr-vrr of the loud machine gets louder and louder and the Christian radio through my huge ear phones gets softer and softer. 

the machine seems to speed up, speed up the noise and speed up my panic.

my heart beats faster.

get out,

get out, 

get out.

vrr-vrr-vrrr 

get out 

get out 

get out.

vrrr-vrr-vrrr

the machine goes in beat with my heart.

get out, it's telling me. run.

out of this tunnel,

out of this hospital,

out of this disease.

{i'm in my moment of panic}

i have a brief thought.

just get out.

be done.

i don't need a MRI.

symptoms are liveable.

{except they're not}

far away.

I smile and dream of our family someplace warm,

someplace eternal winter cannot effect.

someplace with yellow sun and sand.

and I stop. 

and I calm.

we love our life here.

MS is just a by-product.

a by-product that every single day,

does.not.bother me.

no panic.

no sense to run.

it's just a disease that the Lord has allowed me to live with.

 i calm.

 and as the machine goes whir-whir-whir,

my heart gets slower.

i remember a verse that encouraged me when we were young and living in this little tiny town that i really didn't like and struggling in ministry at our small little church.

...He marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. God did this so that they would seek him and find him...

 and my inner-dialogue continues.

the Lord has me here.

in a place we love,

with friends we love,

in a church we love.

MS is just a by-product.

God has me HERE, for a specific reason...

...maybe even so that I will seek Him more.

harder. stronger. with more fervency, urgency, and a little bit of panic than my non-MS self ever would have.

and I calm.

and I pray.

I pray until the moment that if I pray any longer, I'm going to start crying in the machine,

and then the tech will think i'm truly a crazy person.

i calm.

i pray.

the season of life we're in has been hard.

God has allowed so much in our lives in the past 4 months.

so much good,  so much hard.

we're just waiting. waiting on a lot of answers.

and blessed are all who wait for Him.

Isaiah 30

by the end of the 1 and 15 minute MRI,

i am, once again, completely fine.

telling myself to stop panicking every time I'm in these crazy machines.

i leave, stop to get a coke,

and head home for a wonderful weekend.

i will await, albeit a bit nervously,

the results.

but hough I will never be strong enough to deal with this crazy disease,

MY GOD IS.

...when I am weak...then I am strong.

and for that?

my panic stops.

You are the Potter

scrolling through some old blog posts, I found an un-published post from 2 years ago.

better late than never?

-------

coming, mom!

he yelled, newly-built double-decker lego space-ship in hand.

i turned the corner,

but i heard it.

the unmistakable crashing sound of legos onto hardwood floor.

oh!!

i heard the tears start.

i walked around the corner, seeing shattered pieces around his feet.

trying to ward off the tears,

i said,

it's okay, kiddo! you can fix it!

you built it, so that means that you're the best at fixing it!

and in the middle of our kitchen,

i heard myself say those words

{you built it, so you're the best at fixing it!}

you are the potter, Oh Lord, we are the clay.

you built it, Lord, you're the best at fixing it.  

even if there's a few tears in the process.

Happy Birthday Matt!

my fabulous husband's birthday was yesterday!

we had the world's best vanilla cake.

and he celebrated by doing what he's good at -

preaching and teaching the Bible.

{that's what happens when your birthday falls on a Sunday and you're a pastor}.

I teased him that he's only 4 years from 40...
and that when he's 40,
he'll be the same distance to SIXTY
as he was TWENTY.

{think about that one for a bit}.

then told him he's gotta stop because I can't be married to a 40-year-old. ;-)

but in all reality,

the years just get sweeter.

looking back on our young, in-love, 20-something-selves,though we were happy,

there's something so special about knowing your spouse for this long and this well.

each passing year has brought deeper valleys to walk through,

but deeper love to walk through them with together.

i have truly found the one whom my soul loves.

happy birthday, Matt!

Rodan + Fields {adoption fundraiser!}

Hi! My name is Mel & I blog at The Larson Lingo.

I am so about doing a fundraiser on Anna's blog.

I have loved getting to know Anna over the past couple years through blogging.

She is one of the sweetest girls I know. I love how she loves Jesus and her family so much!

I love her passion for orphans and I can't wait for her to bring Miles home!

A little bit about me...I'm a California girl, born & raised!

I love Jesus, wine, coffee, photography & throwing parties.

Target is my Happy Place.

 

I am a part time 7th grade math teacher and have been teaching for 10 years.

I have been married to Kevin for 11 years and we have 3 sweet kids.

 Kate is 7, Claire is 5 and our baby boy Luke is 18 months old.

I just recently became an Independent Consultant for Rodan + Fields

Growing up in California, I was in the sun. A lot.

Especially playing soccer my entire childhood. Most of the time I wore sunscreen, but sometimes I didn't. When I got to college and played soccer at University of Colorado, we had soccer practice everyday from 1-4. Peak sun hours.

Sometimes I wore sunscreen, sometimes I didn't.

My skin took a beating, for sure.

 Fast forward to when I turned 30 a few years ago.

My body wasn't feeling older, but my skin was.

I had to get some pre-cancerous skin cancer spots removed from my face.

I should have taken better care of my skin when I was younger...

All those times without sunscreen were taking it's toll on my skin.

I never really had a "good" skin care routine.

In high school/college/20's I would just use cheap face wash/moisturizer.

Once I hit 30, I realized I needed to take better care of my skin.

Sun damage & fine lines were starting to rear their ugly heads.

I tried out several products, but it wasn't until last year that I found a product I was happy with.

It was 18 months ago when I started Rodan + Fields.

I had just given birth to Luke and I decided that my skin was worth it...it was the skin I was going to

have the rest of my life and I better start taking care of it. Plus, I had the "mask of pregnancy" with him. It needed to go!

I started using the Redefine products and couldn't believe how much better my skin looked and felt after just 1 month. I continued to use  Redefine twice a day for a year.

This past August, after I stopped nursing Luke, I started using Reverse in the morning and Redefine at night.

I am so glad I started using Rodan + Fields. I can't say enough about their products.

My skin has never felt or looked better! 

Rodan and Fields is a skin care line from the doctors who created ProActiv.

What they did for the acne market with ProActiv, they aredoing again with the Anti-Aging market.  Along with an Anti-Aging line they also have products for erasing sun damage and dark spots, soothing sensitive skin, as well as products for acne.

Rodan & Fields has 4 product lines:

REDEFINE:

For wrinkles, pores and loss of firmness.

(Click HERE to read more about the Redefine products)

REVERSE:

For brown spots, dullness and sun damaged skin.

(Click HERE to read more about the Reverse products)

SOOTHE:

For sensitive, irritated skin and facial redness.

(Click HERE to read more about the Soothe products) 

UNBLEMISH:

For acne and post-acne marks.

(Click HERE to read more about the Unblemish  products)

Want to know which regimen is best for you?

Take this quick 30 second  questionnaire HERE!

We offer these four different product lines with a 60 day empty bottle money back guarantee.

You can literally return the EMPTY bottles after 60 days for a full refund if you don't like the products.

Most companies don't offer that.  But, R + F does!

One of the reasons I started selling Rodan + Fields is so that I can give back to others.

I love Anna's passion for orphans.

I have been following her journey to Miles for over 18 months.

I don't know about you, but I can't WAIT for her to bring Miles home.

It has been a long, long journey.

But, they still need money for plane flights.

Here is where you (and I) come in.

Every order that is placed between today and Friday April 11th, I am donating my ENTIRE comission of those sales to Anna so she can buy plane flights.

Want to place an order?

Send me an email with the subject line "Bring Miles Home" to:

melissa_larson17{at}yahoo.com

oh, the {outrage}

my social media is full of outrage at the moment.

one side this,

one side that.

{and the sides are so strong!}

before I had even had a couple cups of coffee this morning I had already had conversations about it.

my bff and I have been discussing this whole homosexual issue for the past several months. 

{in about 4.3 minute conversation snips between naps, school, potty breaks, and sibling rivalries}

we think the question comes down to, 

how do you take a stand for Biblical truth, yet love well?

 i don't think there's an entirely one-answer-fits-all solution,

and i don't want to attempt to find that solution or write about it,

because seriously,  there's been a lot written recently. 

what I do want to say is that i'm just 

{tired of the outrage},

because the outrage, from either side, is so one-topic.

i understand that you may have a passion for something, 

even if it's just, say, horsebackriding,

and you may talk more about it.

but as a Bible-believing follower of Christ,

I'd like to say this:

if you're going to be outraged over same-sex marriages,

please be equally as outraged over orphans around the world.

don't choose to ignore the fact that there are children starving,

and children that have no families,

children that are sold in sex slavery.

children that have no on that knows their favorite bedtime story,

their favorite breakfast food,

the blanket that comforts them when they're sad,

the silly song that helps them not be afraid of the dark.

so glad Miles doesn't wear the title ORPHAN anymore

{be as equally outraged}.

if you're going to post politically-charged stuff on social media,

please be equally as passionate about every other area of sin.

don't overlook your complaining about the grocery store clerk's slowness.

the bad service you got at Starbucks.

the traffic on the way to work.

the way you rolled your eyes behind your spouse's back.

the way you were critical of your boss.

the flirtation with a co-worker.

your indifference to your lost, hell-bound neighbors.

{be as equally outraged}.

which organization you choose to support is your own personal decision,

just don't pick and choose Biblical truth to get more upset about than others.

Fight for what you believe in, 

but one is not worse than another.

Ezekial lists the sins of Sodom and Gomorrah, 

a city well-known for its complete moral bankruptcy and quoted often for their sexual sins.

What's Ezekial 16 say?

"‘Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: 

She and her daughters were arrogant, 

overfed and unconcerned;

 they did not help the poor and needy."

 {one sin is not worse than others}.

i wish we could tranform the energy we're spending on social media debates 

and actually go into this world and do some good - however the Lord may lead.

i doubt anyone has ever converted to Faith by a social media post.

so, let's love better. 

meet our neighbors! be more patient with the grovery store clerks 

or the pizza employee that gets our order wrong.

help feed the hungry in your own area,

become a foster family,

or a Safe Families family.

all this energy AGAINST something.

i wish we could take a stand for truth at the same time loving better FOR something.

FOR the sake of Christ.

FOR the sake of people who don't know Him. 

let's be equally outraged.

let's take our outrage,

and 

use that energy to
DO SOMETHING.

{to love better}.

2 years later.

a re-posting from what I wrote a year ago. 

 Great is His faithfulness, still.

--

"Great is Thy faithfulness,” O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.

--

{one year ago, yesterday}.

 

The machine moved out.

i slowly sat up, orientating myself.

i blinked at the white walls around me.

the technician came in.

so, tell me about your symptoms.

i cocked my head. my brow furrowed.  

{the technician doesn't usually ask these things, does she?}

she sensed my confusion.

i just want to make sure the radiologist has the full picture.

oh.

i listed of the symptoms.

tingling, extreme weakness, burning.

she scribbled on her clipboard.

i walked out.

that technician's questions?

my first inkling that this was not a rule-everything-out MRI,

but a we-found-something MRI.

---

{one year ago today}.

 i stood in the shower.

my husband got ready at the sink.

the rosemary mint shampoo lathered.

i was thinking, why don't you go with me to the appointment today?

just in case?

sure,

he replied,

shaving the foam off.

the suds went down the drain.  

i stood there,

with the briefest feeling that the MRI follow up 

would be so much more than a follow up.

--

   we walked in the house after the appointment.

my father in law was chasing the kids around,

quite literally.

i hugged them.

we ate supper.

my father in law sensed the appointment was not as expected.

i went through the motions of chewing my food.

it seemed the world went on around me,

while i sat and watched through a window.

shock. i think it's called shock.

  

at the end of the dinner,

the kids went off playing.

matt began the explanation.

we were a bit surprised by the MRI report.

we discussed.

we stared.

we sat in unbelief.

i sat at the table while my father in law did dishes.

i was beyond functioning.

i remember thanking him,

and thinking i should get up and help, but unable to.

he told me he loved me. and to stay seated.

i sat at the kitchen table all evening.

the MRI report laid next to me on our red floral tablecloth.

the words stared back me.

multiple sclerosis cannot be excluded.

             ---

{one year ago, tomorrow}.

  we met my father in law for lunch at Chikfila.

we were on our way to the neurologist's office.

the kids played. the salad i ordered sat staring at me.

my father in law asked if i just wasn't hungry?

i shook my head. 

i just can't eat.  

the first time in my life,

i was so nervous i was going to throw up.

running to the bathroom in that fast food place,

i prayed.

we need answers, Lord.

help the neurologist.

we need answers, Lord.

we need you, Lord, oh how we need you.

---

{today}.

my left hand fingers tingle slightly as i hit these keys.

my toes are numb today, 

 a reminder of how real this was one year ago.

but i run around with grace abigail on safari expeditions.

we tumble on the couch together.

when our 6-year-old gets home from school,

i will be eager to hear the words "tag, you're it" from his mouth.

and as we pause so he can take his socks off to be faster on our hardwood floor,

deep inside my heart,

i will be oh so thankful 

that one year later,

i am playing tag.

chasing zebras.

 ballerina dancing.

with no limping. no cane. no walker.

{one year later}.

my heart sings His faithfulness.

though i may be glad the initial shock and awe of a MS diagnosis is over,

my new found depth of understanding of who God is?

i wouldn't change that for anything.

one year later.

Great is Thy faithfulness!

great is thy faithfulness!

  Morning by morning new mercies I see;

one year later.

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—

one year later.

    Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!