2011 Reflections

We are {already!} two weeks into 2012.

Over the past couple of weeks as I've sat in the early morning hours with my ever-present coffee-with-lots-of-cream and my Bible,

{while missing my sparkly white twinkling lights from our Christmas tree 

that I sat next to the whole month of December!}

I've reflected on 2011, and I've thought a lot about Joshua.

you see, he was the leader of the Israelites when, after 40 years of wandering in the desert, the Lord parted the Jordan river and allowed them to cross into the Promised Land.

After they had crossed over, Joshua commanded them to take 12 stones and build a memorial.

a public testimony of the power of God.

a reminder of God's goodness, mercy, and faithfulness to them.

As 2011 came to a close, my heart has reflected on God's goodness and faithfulness to us personally throughout the 12 months.

Some of the months got long.

{like all of last spring? whoa. it was long, folks}.

Some of the months were sweet and easy.

however, through out it all, God was faithful. merciful. kind. provisionary.

----

I spent the first two weeks of February in East Africa.

i loved it. a whole lot.

{and will get back on a plane in a heart beat as soon as the Lord tells me to go}

As we prayed about whether or not I should go on that trip to Uganda, I wrote out a list of four reasons that made me not want to go. four things that the Lord had to work out for me.

And you know what?

as I prayed and read the Word, seeking His direction,

the Lord answered every.single.one. of those four reasons.

2011 Memorial Stone #1.

God heard my prayers.

He answered. in very specific, very tangible ways.

-----

When I got off that plane from Africa, Matt and Grant met me at the airport.

Grant's leg pain had culminated while I was gone, and that day in the airport?

he refused to walk.

to climb into a chair.

to get into his carseat.

the little man was hurting.

a few weeks later and several doctors visits later, he remained undiagnosed, and yet his symptoms mirrored the childhood leukemia checklist.

as I stood in our upstairs hallway after tucking Grant in one night,

I cried. and cried some more. and clung to Matt, and we cried out to God together.

i pleaded for no leukemia.

but in all, I pleaded for the right doctors at the right time.

and just a week later a super-specialist got us in,

got Grant checked out,

his symptoms under control,

and made the very clear diagnosis of *just* juvenile arthritis.

thank God.

2011 Memorial Stone #2.

the very best doctor for Grant.

one of the best hospitals in the nation.

exactly when we needed it

God came through.

and He has continued to,

with just the right medicines for our sweet boy,

exactly when we need them.

----

a few months later I sat next to a hospital bed with our sweet baby girl.

I will always remember the moment when the ER doctor took one look at her, then looked at me and said

prepare to stay.

she was sick.

really, really sick.

late that night

I was exhausted.

physically, emotionally.

Grace wasn't sleeping, and was in a serious amount of pain from one of her super strong antibiotics.

I sent a text to a couple of my late-night-friends.

pray. right now. please, pray.

they did.

ten minutes later the on-call doctor happened to call Grace's nurse.

upon hearing Grace's condition, he immediately ordered some medicine to calm her down.

and then, with her in her itty hospital gown, hooked up to wires, laying on me in her white-sheeted-hospital bed, we slept together.

and I praised God for his provision. and prayed for her to not get worse.

and three days later,

we were home.

2011 Memorial Stone #3.

our baby girl had toxic shock syndrome.

but God allowed her ENT to extraordinarily quickly recognize her symptoms and get us seen.

praise be to God.

-----

2011 was a big year for us.

We {clearly} dealt with a lot of health issues.

as I head into 2012, I build these memorial stones, just like the Israelites did.

come what may in 2012, may I never forget that through some very, very hard situations,

God has proven over and over and over again that

He.is.faithful.

and He will continue to be through out whatever the next year may hold.

if I may be honest for a moment,

I do get kinda nervous about what health issues we'll face in 2012.

but I remind myself of God's very specific direction in our lives,

and I {try} go into 2012 confidant, bold, ready.

at the very least, I go into this New Year trusting in the One who knows what new trials we will face.

Whatever the Lord has for my life,

may I be worthy.

Be a workman not ashamed.

be competent to complete the good works He's prepared in advance for me to do.

and in all,

may my life reflect more Glory to our King.

Happy 2012, everyone.

May your year be full of God's faithfulness, too.

right now

Just about now,

we are celebrating the snow with warmed chocolate milk and left-over birthday party hats.

{celebrating the snow i love with the ones i love}

5th Birthday!

Last night, I was nostalgic.

reminiscing about hospitals and babies and celebrating and teeny tiny fingers and toes.

Tonight,

we partied.  

{The little sister partied hard}.

As Grant and his sweet, sweet 5-year-old friends ran around the house, 

my heart was so, so full.

for if five years ago, as I sat in my hospital bed, 

{incredibly groggy after an emergency c-section},

if I could have said what I hoped his 5th birthday would look like,

tonight would have been it.

 a handful of friends making pizza together,

playing tag,

singing to the birthday boy.

{even if he did get a bit shy during the song}.

it was so fitting, and so fun.

{at least, we had fun}

So, tonight, there was no room for nostalgia.

there was too much cake to eat!

the monster cake Grant wanted.

Grant Owen,

happy birthday little man.

----------

the verse on his birth announcement 5 years ago still fits.

The Lord has done great things for us,

and we are filled with joy. 

Psalm 126:3

Preparations

5 years ago tonight I was sitting in a hospital bed 

at 35 weeks 6 days pregnant with our firstborn.

we thought we'd have several days left.

{not knowing overnight his heart rate would begin to decelerate to scary levels}

I was prepared for a several day induction process.

Matt was even going home to get a few things, 

not knowing he'd be called in a panic to come back to the hospital

right.this.instant.

tonight?

we have different kind of preparations happening.

before he went to bed,

my sweet last-day-of-being-four-year-old told me

Mom. Be sure to put the decorations up while I'm sleeping.

of course, buddy. of course. 

how could I ever forget?

you were my first born.

with you I learned how to nurse and swaddle and swing 

and cuddle and love.

with you I learned that in a mother's heart, their babies will always be just that-

babies.  

in my heart, Grant Owen, 

you will forever be that 7 pound 1 ounce bundle 

that they put next to me in the operating room.

you will forever be that baby that liked to swing at the fastest rate possible.

you will forever be that toddler that zoomed tractors and combines every.single.day.

{you will forever be my baby boy.}

tomorrow you will run around with your friends, 

play Transformers and dart guns, 

and blow out a big sparkly green number 5 candle.

and as that candle blows out, my heart will ache a little bit more.

ache for the baby you were.

ache for the sweet, sweet boy you're becoming.

Grant Owen,

we prayed for you for many years.

the Lord truly Granted our request.

you are very, very loved.

2012

it's {unintentionally} been awhile since I've written.

i miss it.

i feel as though the words are welling up inside, waiting to come out.

but, tonight, they'll have to wait a bit longer.

you see, last night, I went to one of my favorite stores

{The Container Store}

all by myself.

so, I gathered my stuff.

drove the 23 minutes.

and when I pull in the parking lot, I realized.

{no purse.}

{no wallet.}

tonight, i need more sleep.

I leave you with my favorite only-4-more-sleeps-until-he's-5-year-old.

apparently, he thinks Charlie Brown is hilarious.

ah.

i needed that tonight.

i hope your 2012 has started off calmly.

peacefully.

reflectively.

if not, at least it's the weekend, right?

Getting closer.

Merry 2-days-before-Christmas!

May your final days before celebrating our Savior's birth

be calm and Christ-honoring.

 {Psalm 19:14}

Happy Thursday. 

Everything's merrier with a bear on the bum, right?

Advent

Tuesday evening.

our sweet, finally-getting-over-all-forms-of-sickness kiddos are asleep.

Grant, in all his fatigue, was passed out early.

I sit with [decaf] dunkin donuts coffee brewing 

and {don't judge} heavy whipping cream awaiting it.

{totally in love with holiday baking that leaves real cream left over for my coffee}

today I played the Goodnight Moon game about 74 times with my favorite almost-5-year-old.

I scoured the house for a pink hairbow for my favorite, insistent-2-year-old that commandeers all my pony tail holders for bracelets.

{our sweet, cuddly, a-tad-obsessive Gracie}

{grace, who's holding her necessary hairbow}

and today, as our Christmas Advent Calendar nears single digits, 
my heart still reflects on how to truly honor Christ in this season.

In this whole fun, busy, stressful, whirlwhind of a season,
does my heart, my attitude, my speech, 
{my life}

honor the baby in a manger?

and if it does 
{and oh, how I long for it to}

how do I reflect that to my family?

to the cashier at Target who was, well, honestly, slow.

and I was in a hurry. 
with a toddler on the brink of making a fast escape 
and streaking through the candy section.

If Jesus is truly the reason for my season, my life should be different. 
Especially the month we're celebrating Him.

my checkbook should look different, the way I handle Holiday stresses should look different, the way I handle kids who want to play but come-on-don't-they-know-I-have-things-to-do situations should look different.

and in all, I've concluded, they should be marked by love.

For even if we give away all we have,

{even to charities and needy kids}

even if we have all faith and all knowledge

{and know the history of Luke and can tell the Nativity story better than anyone}

Even if our house is the prettiest and decorations the best 
and our baking the most impressive...

even in all,

if I have not loved in the process,

i.gain.nothing.

nothing.

As our Advent Calendar gets closer, I pause.

I attempt to love harder, more deeply.

to give more freely and more richly.

Love God, Love others.

richly.

Give.

My heart.

My time, my life, my energy.

Richly.

I will embrace the business of this season as an avenue to love.

After all,

that's what it's all about, right?

----------

...Of all the commandments,

which is the most important?

You shall love the Lord with all your heart...

you shall love your neighbor as yourself.

Mark 12

And we wait.

blood work.

it's a topic that our almost 5-year-old can very matter-of-factly tell you about.

{which, kinda breaks my momma-heart. he really shouldn't know this much about hospitals, doctors, needles, and blood}.

Often his first sign with his juvenile rheumatoid arthritis is fatigue.

well, it's back.

he's exhausted.

really, really exhausted.

so, we increased his medicine to the maximum dosage.

and now we wait

and pray.

wait for test results.

wait to see if the medicine will work.

wait and pray.

wait, pray.

and trust.

--------

He will shelter you with his wings. 

His faithful promises are your armor and protection.

Psalm 91:4

On Why I Blog

I sit down at my keyboard. a new clean {publish post} page comes up.

I wonder.

Why write?

People...out there {somewhere?} do they read? does it matter?  

it's just my silly little thoughts.

my seemingly insignificant words.

Why write?

there are millions of better writers.

more inspiriting voices.

prettier pictures.

more significant stories.

I pause.

I think.  I process.

 

I realize.

{I write for our children}.

because with all good intentions the baby books are still half-filled-out, and the memories of swings and nursing and cribs and swaddling and pacifiers fade.

these sweet days with my little ones, these are the days which my heart wishes I could just press pause and tangibly grasp for longer, for more, for deeper.  these sweet days my heart truly loves and I long to capture every messy, silly, funny, special detail and write it on my heart, but somehow in the midst of laundry and naps and playing dolls and zooming cars, I know they'll be forgotten.

so, I write.  I write to not forget.

{I write for our children}.

{I write.}

I write for myself.  

I've read that Van Gogh used paints to portray that which inspired him.

me? I use words.

these words. these seemingly small, twelve-fonted single-spaced words,

they portray that which inspires me.

these words are my heart on paper.

...For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks...

Luke 6

I write because I can't not. 

I write for me. even if no one read

i would write, for the words spill out. my fingers click, the cursor moves.
my heart overfloweth, and the words must come.

so, I write.

{I write for others}.

my heart aches. 

for orphans. orphans who need love. a home. food. water.

for Christians. Christians who don't know that the Bible truly has 

everything they need for life and Godliness.

that His Word can make an actual difference in these lives of ours, 

these lives that are often hard and frustrating and valley-filled.

as my heart aches, I long to help. to serve. to edify. to encourage.

if somehow, as I write and share our story, our simple story of redemption, grace, and love,  of a man and wife that are trying their best to love the Lord, each other, and others in the most Radical possible way this side of Heaven,

if I can share this story,

and encourage somehow? love somehow? serve somehow?

then to Him be the Glory both now and forevermore.

So, I write.

-------------

My heart overflows with a good theme; 

I address my verses to the King; My tongue is the pen of a ready writer.

psalms 45:1

tired girl.

sweet grace.

a couple of nights ago, she was tired.

{really, really tired}.

so tired, in fact, that she got a pillow, went over to her dollhouse

and tried to climb in it, saying

{night night, night night}.

needless to say, we put her to bed.

the start of a season.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

The season started off last night with some friends coming over for a Christmas dessert party.  

chocolate, candles, sparkling grape juice, and good friends.

{not a lot tops that}

I'm even extra-excited about Christmas this year, as Grant {almost 5} really, really gets it.

and since he does get it, on my heart these days is this:

{How do we really, truly live out the meaning of Christmas?}

How do we celebrate Christ's birth in such a way that it really makes our Christmas different?

Sure, we give toys to charities.

we'll bake a birthday cake for Jesus.

We'll talk about how Mary and Joseph went to Bethlehem.

and then a King was born.

But, somehow, some of those activities just seem like an add-on.

you know what I mean?

We're Christians, and should be celebrating Christ, so we're going to bake a cake for Jesus.

all the while spending more than we should on toys our kids don't really need.

we'll give a few gifts to charities.

all the while getting way caught up in the commercialism off it all.

I do love Christmas. I love giving and getting gifts.

seriously.  I love the excitement and the shopping and the snow and the cold and the frenzy of it all.

{and I'm totally a Christmas-Eve shopper and love it}.

I just want to spend this whole holiday season actually honoring the baby in a manager,

all the while baking and eating and laughing and buying and unwrapping.

 so, it's still on my heart:

{How do we really, truly honor Christ this Christmas?}

I have a few ideas.

but, my coffee is getting cold.

and the kids are getting ready to play super-hero and leap off the coffee table with blankie-capes.

i'm off to catch them.

a moment of honesty

{this post deviates a bit from my norm here on my blog...

i'm a bit hesitant, honestly, to share it.

but, I've been reading a couple of other blogs of pastor's wives and their honesty and glimpses into ministry are so refreshing and interesting. so, I thought I'd share a bit of our minsitry life with you.

even though I'm tempted to just hit "delete post" right.this.second. eek!}

---------------------

six years ago my husband graduated from Dallas Theological Seminary 

with a masters of theology.

one of my favorite pictures of Matt and myself, taken on his graduation weekend.  Dallas, May, 2005.

{and for the record? we absolutely loved Dallas. 

loved the educaction and the experiences. seriously.

Miss Dallas life, but definitely am a midwestern girl at heart 

and am happy to be back home again}.

we have served in full-time church ministry since then.

Through {just} six years of ministry, I have learned a lot. 

we have learned a lot. for the better and for the worse.

the position of "pastor's wife" can be a hard one, but also a really, really rewarding one.

I have lots and lots I could share, but today, I'm going to say one thing.  

one thing that you could do that could really encourage the pastor's wife of the church you attend.

{sit by her.}

seriously. that easy.

I may be the only pastor's wife that feels like this, but for me, 

it's kinda awkward to figure out where to sit.

{I know, seriously, this sound so small and insignificant. 

it's not. trust me}.

I walk into the sanctuary on a Sunday morning, 

{or even for special meetings, dinners, events}

saying hi to as many people as I can, making an effort to greet as many people as I can

{but then, at some point, I gotta sit.}

if I sit by the same person every week I feel like I'm going to play favorites.

sometimes I feel like I'll interrupt people's families or friends or groups if I sit down next to them.

 if I sit by myself I feel like people are going think I'm cold or isolating.

seriously, this whole where-to-sit issue?

i'm sure i over-analyze it.

but also? for me, at least?

it can feel really, really awkward.

{to be super honest for a moment? sometimes I seriously make a point of getting a last-minute-cup-of-coffee just to be able to sneak in the back and avoid this whole issue}.

So, this Sunday?

sit by your pastor's wife during church.

it will make her feel more normal.

less isolated. less like the odd-man-out.

i promise.

and then? tell me if you do. 

and I'll say thank-you on her behalf.

glimpes

Hope your Thanksgiving was restful and full of food and family.

one of my favorite parts of our Thanksgiving?
{besides the pumpkin cheesecake my dad sent home with us?}

seeing Grace {2 1/2} play with my parent's dog. She LOVES the dog. loves.

{love may not be a strong enough word}

and me? I love how much my sweet girl loves animals.  it's precious, and i love it.

{and brace myself for the pleading for a pet we're going to hear soon!}

Happiest of holiday weekends...

my heart is so, so thankful.

{may we remain this grateful all year round}.