Writing is often my therapy.
and, okay, coffee, candy, and some shopping, too.;-)
I sit down at the keyboard, with a steaming cup of strong coffee,
and the words that are often so hard for me to verbalize come flowing out,
flowing from a deep, deep place in my heart that often begins in the dark, early morning hours with my coffee and my Bible.
I know I said here I'd be writing.
I've wanted to,
but have hesitated.
I never ever want to sensationalize my health difficulties. or write about them so many times that y'all are like, anna, get a new neurological disease to talk about. ;-)
but, as Luke says,
from the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.
and how does my heart overflow with what *He* has done for me!
i can't help but share.
Share how faithful our Sovereign Lord has been there to meet me in
every.single.moment of fear, of questions, of uncertainty over the last three years.
some Easter decor on my mantle reads
{I know my Redeemer Lives}
and my heart skips a beat when I read it.
three years ago,
when the line of before-MS and after-MS had officially been crossed in my life,
and we had been catapulted into a whirwind of every-single-neurological test possible, all leading towards a diagnosis.
we got closer and closer to Easter.
and I got closer and closer and closer to the darkest fear of my heart being realized.
it was within these months of waiting that I would jump in the middle of the night,
instantly awake, heart racing.
all I would hear with every beat of my pounding heart was
multiple sclerosis
thud thud thud thud
multiple sclerosis multiple sclerosis multiple sclerosis.
thudthudthudthudthud.
and my first thought of my racing brain would be
{it wasn't a dream}.
And then I would be up for the day, in the wee hours of the morning, while the rest of my house slept in seemingly blissful unawareness. it was these months that my internet was permanently fixed to MS research - AND what-could-my-symptoms-be *besides* MS research, and while my Bible was permanently open to Job, the tear stained pages greeting me morning after morning after morning.
we had test after test after test,
all coming back within normal limits.
expect tests pointing towards the one thing my heart feared.
and we got closer and closer to Easter,
and my heart raced with fear.
all-encompassing, all-consuming fear.
and then through a series of scriptures,
the Lord addressed every.single.one of my fears.
not giving me any answers,
but telling my heart to stop asking why and start asking Who.
Who is going to fight for me?
Who has done great things for me previously in my life?
Who has planned my days from the foundations of the earth?
Who has promised me to never, ever forsake me?
Who is going to walk with me, even if I am not walking?
And as the Lord addressed my fears, we got closer to Easter Sunday.
And my heart started singing the old song I always sang
growing up in my Baptist church on Easter Sunday:
Because He Lives,
I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives,
All fear is gone.
Because I know, who holds the future,
and life is worth the living, just because He lives.
And singing that song leading up to Easter Sunday brought me to my knees before a Holy God,
knowing that through His Son's Resurrection, Death was conquered. And in conquering death, He brings abundant life, even in the face of neurological disease.
hallelujah, the stone was rolled away! hallelujah, the tomb was empty.
three years later,
my heart races with fear much less frequently.
relapses or symptoms getting worse may remind me of that fear,
but they remind me oh-so-much-more of How He has conquered death and fear,
and my life is worth the living, just because He lives.
i have hope for now, and so-much-more-hope for eternity, just because HE lives.
even if my MS becomes debilitating in *this* life, how-much-more will my glorified, perfected body mean to me as I am finally able to walk upon streets of gold, face-to-face with my Savior, my body never again stained with the sin of this world?
hallelujah, the stone was rolled away! hallelujah, the tomb was empty.
And three years later I'm still singing
- and even 30 years from now, if the Lord grants me that -
may I still sing with the army of angels -
Because HE lives,
I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives,
all fear is gone.
Because He lives -
Because He lives,
all fear is gone.
Because He lives -
even with multiple sclerosis -
I can face tomorrow.
Just because He lives.
---------------------------------------------------------------
another of my favorite Easter songs.
