The One in Which You See Anna

{post title courtesy of the sitcom Friends, for those of you who watched that show.

we were avid Friends fans, in the day...and may or may not have even owned a copy of the Friends trivia game, and may or may not have played it religiously with dear, special friends with whom clearly we watched way too much TV}

--

about a month ago,

i had the extremely humbling

{oh so humbling}

 experience of being able to share my heart at our church's women's retreat.

i blog off and on about multiple sclerosis and what I've been learning through it.

and, i am so {so, so, so}

much more comfortable in my sweats in front of a keyboard 

than I am with a microphone in front of an audience.

but, i was deeply thankful to be able to share my story of multiple sclerosis and what the Lord has taught me through it over the last eleven months.

so, here you go.

the post in which you see anna.

 and i may die right now, so i will press {publish} before i hit delete. 

{watching yourself on video is a bit, well, brutal}

here's the video from that night,

if you'd like to hear it.

the first part is through about 12 minutes,

and the next part is about 35 minutes after that.

{if the embed doesn't work, this is the link}

MRI and Mutliple Sclerosis

 6 months ago,

i walked into an imaging center.

i laid in a tube for a brain MRI

and had zero inclination that the results would be anything but normal.

well, for those that know me or follow my blog,

you know that that one afternoon spent getting a MRI 

was a life-changer.

---

 

{6 months later}

i feel fantastic.

really, really fantastic.

besides giving myself daily injections,

dealing with the minor side effects from them,

and knowing way-more-than-i-ever-thought-i'd-know about neurological diseases,

i don't think you'd ever know i have multiple sclerosis.

actually, i just mentioned to my ever-loving husband that it still seems so surreal -

when I say those words -

{multiple sclerosis}

outloud,

it seems unbelievable.

for the most part, 

{only by the grace and goodness of my Savior}

 i feel like i handle this whole

i-have-a-progressive-debilitating-neurological-disease gig

pretty well.

that's why,

when a week ago i walked into that same imaging center for a repeat MRI,

my emotions surprised me.

it was as though i was returning to visit a gravesite, really -

the place where the line in the sand of my life was drawn.

the place where my adult life will always be marked as {before} and {after} MS.

that imaging center was a tangible reminder of this disease of mine -

a tangible reminder of how my life has changed, of how my reality has changed.

but you know?

it was also a tangible reminder of the grace and goodness the Lord has poured out upon my life the past 6 months.

He has met me, time and time again,

exactly when I needed Him to. 

His Word has comforted, encouraged, and challenged me to remain steadfast, abounding in good work, and to run with endurance this race the Lord has for me.

and during that MRI a week ago?

I felt like the Lord showed me one small way He loves me, 

even while I was laying in that loud tube.

 I was a bit on edge for the results of this MRI,

but I was doing okay.

okay until the tech 

{whom actually remembered me from 6 months ago!}

came in and started saying stuff like

God never gives us more than we can handle.

and 

be strong, girl, be strong.

and,

there's been so many advances in MS treatment! you'll be great.

i kinda started to panic.

really panic.

like, 

get me out-of-this tube-right-now or i may throw up all over it 

panic.

and then,

over the huge headset they gave me in which i was listening to a Christian radio station,

i heard

"Bless the Lord,

oh my soul,

oh my soul,

worship His holy name."

a couple months ago I wrote about how Matt Redman's song 10,000 reasons had been so influential in my life and in my MS diagnosis.

and it came on, over my earphones, in that MRI machine at the peak of my panic.

so, as I heard that song that I have essentially listened to over and over and over again over the past few months,

i calmed. i remembered the God I serve and How big He is - 

how much bigger than MRI results.

how much bigger than any neurological disease.

Matt Redman sang

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore

and I remembered how incredibly short this life is.

and when the day comes that my strength fails -

no matter how much sooner or later it is

still my soul will sing His praise.

--

and, by the way,

my MRI came back unchanged from the one 6 months ago.

in neurology talk, folks, that's great news.

kinda means no disease progression.

amen, amen, and amen.

 

Grace upon Grace

Grant, while celebrating his papa's 60th birthday last week.

---

"For we have all received from his fullness one gracious gift after another."

John 1:16, NET Bible

One gracious gift after another.

that's so true, right?

my heart has been overflowing with thankfulness recently.

I started treatment for MS a couple of weeks ago -

a daily injection.

I was nervous about it, because, in all of my obsessive-compulsive reading about every.single.thing.possible MS-related,

I had read it could hurt.

a lot.

or sting, burn, itch, welt, hive.

a lot.

but you know?

for me, 

they barely sting.

I've gotten zero reactions to it.

zero.

{one gracious gift after another}

like having zero reactions to shots that will likely be long-term.

like having treatment available at all.

like having MS diagnosed early enough to start treatment early in the disease course.

like having a fabulous neurologist really close to our house.

{one gracious gift after another}

like the Spirit giving peace that passeth understanding,

even with the knowledge that my disease could become debilitating.

like knowing that this world is not our Home,

and though we may encounter various trials,

we have a Living Hope.

Hope for this life -

that I do not need to fear, for He is with me.

Hope for eternity to come.

one gracious gift after another. 

 

 

 

 

Just Diagnosed with MS

my favorite 5-year-old,

with a celebratory ice-cream cone on his last day of preschool.

---

 

One week ago today, 

I sat on the doctor's table in a pink dress, 

flipping through some texts on my iphone as I waited.

My husband and I chatted a bit.

I browsed a brochure.

the clock ticked.

And then the neurologist entered the room.

And, after a lengthy discussion,

made official what had been discussed for months.

One week ago today,

I was diagnosed with 

Multiple Sclerosis.

---

almost 18 months ago.

{February 2011}

I had just returned home from 2 weeks in a small country in east Africa.

we were supposed to be there ministering to the workers there, 

but it was myself who was blessed beyond measure.

 The Lord expanded my horizons on that trip,

and made me long for something more for our lives.

I've written on my blog in several places about our desire to be radical with our lives.

Radical with our ministry, radical in our service to our Savior.

Upon returning home from Africa,

these are the words penned in my prayer journal:

"If you are willing and obedient, you shall eat the good of the land".

 {isaiah 1:19}

Father,

I long to be willing and obedient. 

Where you lead, we will go.

To Africa, to adoption, to other ministry,

to radical ministry right here in Indiana,

whatever you have for us,

we will go.

---

For over a year,

I have prayed to be radical with our lives.

 that wherever the Lord led us, 

we would follow.

Perhaps the Lord was preparing me for a different kind of radical service -

a life lived with a progressive neuromuscular disease.

This is now our new normal.

MS info is almost always a tab on my ipad.

we have stacks of insurance information and injection training paperwork.

This is our new normal.

and, you know?

it's okay.

I am, for the moment, over my initial panic and knee-jerk reaction.

for a month or so after our initial MRI i was panicked.

completely, completely panicked.

but now it's just back to life.

back to serving in our church here that we love.

back to playground visits and splash pad fun and Nerf gun wars.

{it's back to life}

back to believing what I always believed -

the God is always, always, always Sovereign.

that there are purposes to our lives that we may never see this side of eternity.

that my Hope rests on Jesus Christ and His coming again -

My hope does not rest on my desire to walk down the aisle 

{in cute shoes, nonetheless}

at my daughter's wedding.

 or to chase grandkids around our house.

or to travel into our retirement years.

My hope rests on nothing less than Jesus Christ and His righteousness.

Yes, our future may look different than our 30-something-year-old selves had envisioned.

it will be okay.

---

 

One week ago today,

I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.

whatever the future may hold,

may we be willing and obedient,

and walk in it well.

 

 

Bumblebee Transformer

I tucked this sweet girl into bed tonight.

and then 30 minutes later I re-tucked her into bed.

{she strangely took a 3 hour nap today! 

nice. but, bedtime is now questionable}

As I prayed with her {again}

she went through the typical cast of characters of whom to pray for.

bubby. mommy. daddy. papa's boo-boo.

and then, 

she came out with

can we pray for Bumblebee?

Bumblebee.

 as in the big, bright yellow, robot transformer.

Pray for Bumblebee, momma?

And my heart smiled.

I pictured my Father in Heaven smiling, too.

We thanked God for 3-year-olds and prayed that we'd get to see Bumblebee again soon.

sweet girl.

----

 

{Cast all of our cares on Him,

for He cares for us.}

i peter 5:7

Right?

every single care,

He cares.

every.single.worry.

every single situation.

every.single.thing.

He cares.

 Tonight,

as I received my first MS medicine kit in the mail yesterday,

I rest in the fact that 

He cares.

deeply, personally.

{He cares}

---

Diagnosis: {Almost} MS

Matt Redman's 10,000 Reasons is on my play over-and-over-and-over again list these days.

Have you heard it?

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

The lyrics are near and dear to my heart these past few months -

these past few up-and-down, panic-laden, trust-inducing months.

---

 one of my all-time favorite pictures of Grace, at just-turned-2, with her beloved bear.

---

{Last Thursday}

I had had a few months to process the neurologist's thoughts.

her thoughts as in

i think you have multiple sclerosis.

I had prayed that I would ground myself in truth -

truth as in 

do not fear.

in your weakness, you will be made strong.

No plan of God's can be thwarted. 

but, as, once again, 

the white paper crinkled beneath me as I awaited the doctor,

i was nervous.

nervous about hearing an official diagnosis.

nervous about possible tests I didn't want to do.

nervous about what the journey of this diagnosis would entail.

the dr. {finally} entered the room.

she reviewed my previous MRI's,

discussed a few last thoughts on a few other tests to be absolutely sure we're not overlooking anything.

I listened.

I asked

{if my blood work comes back normal, is MS the only thing we're left with?}

she thought briefly and answered

MS is the only thing we're left with.

-----

So, we left the doctor's office with an almost-diagnosis.

I return in a month,

where, barring any last-minute miracle,

we will further discuss starting MS treatment.

{probably a daily injection}

and, with that, our journey on this earth has changed.

in the book of Philippians, the apostle Paul {from prison!} writes:

"...what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel..."

yes.  May even this most-likely MS journey -

may it, somehow, in a way that we'll never be able to see, 

serve to advance the gospel. 

My trust in the Sovereignty of God has reached a new level over the past few months.

this MS stuff? it's not a suprise to Him.

I worship God for who He is,

and He is always good, always compassionate, always loving.

whatever happens to me -

whether I have a fairly benign disease course or a progressive one,

whether i deal with fatigue, weakness, tingling or not,

whether I can walk in 30 years or not -

may it serve to advance the Gospel.

And, as Matt Redman sings -

 whatever may pass,

and whatever lies before me:

May I be singing when the evening comes.

amen.  

Faith and Multiple Sclerosis

continued from part 1

--------------

 

Dazed, we left the exam room,
made it through scheduling an urgent neurology appointment and walked to the vehicle. 

i cannot have multiple sclerosis. i have 2 little kids.
i cannot have MS. I cannot have MS.
 

we stared at each other in the truck.

i barely slept that night, waking earlier than my usual hour.
i sat down with my favorite mug of strong coffee filled with {more-than-a-dash of} half and half.
I started reading and reading and reading about MS.
I knew no one with it, I understood nothing about the disease.
 
and then,
I opened my vintage-floral, hard-cover, well-worn, much-loved,  and so-needed ESV Bible.
 
I searched for truth. for help.
 
{I searched for hope}.
 
---

 
I recently read this quote about preaching
{what my beloved husband does for a living}:

Preaching is something dangerously public that emerges from something intensely private.

I kinda feel that way about blogging, too.
I know sometimes I just write about the kids or food or every day fun stuff,
but often what I write about comes from a place deep inside me.
a place that stems from my early mornings with my coffee and my Bible.
my pen and a journal.
 
 most of what I write about our health situations
 {including this latest MS journey}
 stems from a place deep inside my heart.
 
so, thank-you for listening, for reading, for loving.
i am often boggled that people would ever even read what i write -
it never seems overly interesting to me -
but, thanks.
 
 
here's the rest of the story.
 
 --

i've seen 2 different neurologists.
I've had a lot of testing done.
lots.
 
we've ruled out basically everything else my symptoms could possibly be -
from the simple stuff like vitamin deficiencies to the serious stuff like strokes.
 
what we do know is that it's not anything else.

at my last neurology appointment -
where, as we were walking into the building my entire left arm and leg went instantly weak
{kinda ironic?}
the neurologist, an MS specialist,
said that it does seem like MS.
the symptoms are presenting like MS symptoms.
my very first MRI was indicative of MS.

in her words,
Multiple Sclerosis is a real possibility.
there are likely no other possibilities.

my c-spine {neck} MRI came back clear.
 this does NOT mean that it's not MS
{as I've heard some people have thought}.

it DOES mean that if it indeed IS MS,
the disease is not advanced.
which, is good.
 
in a week we'll {hopefully} have some more solid answers.

as for me?
i'm doing okay.
a month ago i was on the verge of panic.
sheer and utter panic.

but now?
i'm okay. really.
almost weirdly okay.
i don't know if it's just the fact that it's been awhile since my last appointment,
or if the peace that passes all understanding is guarding my heart and mind.
probably both.

because, you know what?
this is what I wrote in an email to my sweet husband,
who's been ever-supportive,
at very early in the morning after we got the initial MRI results indicative of MS:

I've been telling myself all night (barely slept!) that what I believed about God yesterday is the same today.  He is ever-present in the time of trouble.  He has created good works for me to do, and his grace is so very sufficient.
that email?
it's so true today.
whatever news i get from the neurologist in a week
{be it an official diagnosis, an official non-diagnosis, or just a wait-and-see situation}
will not change what I believe about God.
{that He is all-powerful, all-Knowing, all-Sovereign}

for, His plans are to prosper, not to harm me, and to give me hope and a future.
 
may I love not my life, even unto death.
revelation 12:11