One Year Later

"Great is Thy faithfulness,” O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.

--

{one year ago, yesterday}.

 

The machine moved out.

i slowly sat up, orientating myself.

i blinked at the white walls around me.

the technician came in.

so, tell me about your symptoms.

i cocked my head. my brow furrowed.  

{the technician doesn't usually ask these things, does she?}

she sensed my confusion.

i just want to make sure the radiologist has the full picture.

oh.

i listed of the symptoms.

tingling, extreme weakness, burning.

she scribbled on her clipboard.

i walked out.

that technician's questions?

my first inkling that this was not a rule-everything-out MRI,

but a we-found-something MRI.

---

{one year ago today}.

 i stood in the shower.

my husband got ready at the sink.

the rosemary mint shampoo lathered.

i was thinking, why don't you go with me to the appointment today?

just in case?

sure,

he replied,

shaving the foam off.

the suds went down the drain.  

i stood there,

with the briefest feeling that the MRI follow up 

would be so much more than a follow up.

--

   we walked in the house after the appointment.

my father in law was chasing the kids around,

quite literally.

i hugged them.

we ate supper.

my father in law sensed the appointment was not as expected.

i went through the motions of chewing my food.

it seemed the world went on around me,

while i sat and watched through a window.

shock. i think it's called shock.

  

at the end of the dinner,

the kids went off playing.

matt began the explanation.

we were a bit surprised by the MRI report.

we discussed.

we stared.

we sat in unbelief.

i sat at the table while my father in law did dishes.

i was beyond functioning.

i remember thanking him,

and thinking i should get up and help, but unable to.

he told me he loved me. and to stay seated.

i sat at the kitchen table all evening.

the MRI report laid next to me on our red floral tablecloth.

the words stared back me.

multiple sclerosis cannot be excluded.

             ---

{one year ago, tomorrow}.

  we met my father in law for lunch at Chikfila.

we were on our way to the neurologist's office.

the kids played. the salad i ordered sat staring at me.

my father in law asked if i just wasn't hungry?

i shook my head. 

i just can't eat.  

the first time in my life,

i was so nervous i was going to throw up.

running to the bathroom in that fast food place,

i prayed.

we need answers, Lord.

help the neurologist.

we need answers, Lord.

we need you, Lord, oh how we need you.

---

{today}.

my left hand fingers tingle slightly as i hit these keys.

my toes are numb today, 

 a reminder of how real this was one year ago.

but i run around with grace abigail on safari expeditions.

we tumble on the couch together.

when our 6-year-old gets home from school,

i will be eager to hear the words "tag, you're it" from his mouth.

and as we pause so he can take his socks off to be faster on our hardwood floor,

deep inside my heart,

i will be oh so thankful 

that one year later,

i am playing tag.

chasing zebras.

 ballerina dancing.

with no limping. no cane. no walker.

{one year later}.

my heart sings His faithfulness.

though i may be glad the initial shock and awe of a MS diagnosis is over,

my new found depth of understanding of who God is?

i wouldn't change that for anything.

one year later.

Great is Thy faithfulness!

great is thy faithfulness!

  Morning by morning new mercies I see;

one year later.

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—

one year later.

    Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!